Tantalus’s first performance of ‘I want to be your canary’.
As you can see, this fanfic is about Tantalus’s first performance of ‘I want to be your canary’. Not the one they did to kidnap Princess Garnet, but the FIRST time they performed that play. The time they were just a happy thief gang with no plans to abduct the Princess ^_^. As you already know, I didn’t invent the characters of this fanfic, they are all characters of FFIX. Now, enjoy this story about how the Tantalus guys screwed up the first performance of ‘I want to be your canary’, and how they were punished afterwards…
Who’s gonna play who?
“Okay, guys!” Baku yelled as he entered the hide-out. “You all know we’re gonna perform ‘I want to be your canary’ in Alexandria this spring. I’ve decided who’s gonna play who.” The members of his gang nodded and did the Tantalus greeting. Marcus and Zidane were sitting on chairs, Cinna was lying on the floor, Blank was leaning against the wall, Ruby was sitting on the bed and the two Nero brothers, Benero and Zenero were standing next to the table in the middle of the room. “So, Ruby’s gonna be Cornelia, and Marcus will be her loverboy, ‘kay?” Baku said. Zidane began to laugh and patted Marcus on the back. “Yeah, we all know you’re jealous, Zidane, but Marcus is just a better actor than you!” Baku said, grinning. “You, Cinna and Blank will play Marcus’s kinsmen. You will challenge me, Cornelia’s father, because I’m against her relationship with Marcus. Later, Blank will realize that the marriage between Princess Cornelia and Prince Schneider will bring peace to both the kingdoms, so he’ll fight a duel with you. Got it?” Zidane wasn’t paying attention. “Oh, Lilian! You are so pretty!” He thought. “If only…Oh, no! What am I going to do on that date with Tamera tonight? I don’t even have enough money to take her to a movie, and…Man, Ruby is looking hot today!” Baku raised an eyebrow and walked over to the chair Zidane was sitting on. He laid his hands on Zidane’s shoulders and pushed him of the chair. “Pay attention, you freakin’ monkey! This is important! You’ll have all the time to think about your girlfriends later!” He shouted, half laughing. Zidane jumped up. “Why the hell did you do that?!” He yelled angrily. Then he calmed down and asked: “How did you know I was thinking about girls?” Baku laughed out loud. “You ALWAYS think about girls…” He said. “…and you were thinking out loud again.” Marcus added with a grin that showed his vampire-like sharp teeth. “Aw…” Zidane sighed as he saw Ruby laughing.
The rehearsal.
“Ahum…Oh, Corneliaaa…” Marcus tried for the hundreth time. Ruby burst out in laughter. “Sorry, darlin’, that was jes’ so adorable!” Baku slapped his forehead. “Ugh…Ruby, at least TRY not to laugh this time, I wanna get on with this!” Behind the curtains Blank and Cinna were very busy practicing their lines. Zidane was lying on the floor, thinking. “Lola winked at me, yes, she winked at me! Oh, no, she winked at Blank…Man, my life sucks! Thank God I still have Sabrina, she always smiles so sweetly at me! Hm, but she always smiles at Cinna too! I…” “Yo, Zidane! Aren’t ya gonna practice your lines?” Cinna asked. Zidane waved his hand. “I’ll look them over later…” Right then, Baku called them. It was their turn. Blank and Cinna went onto the stage. ‘Hey, where are you guys goin’?” Zidane asked. He jumped up and followed them. “Okay, here’s the part where Zidane, Blank, Cinna and Marcus challenge me.” Baku explained. “We’re not gonna practice the fight, ‘cuz we already wasted enough time! So we’re gonna skip over to the duel scene.” He went back to his seat. “Let’s begin!” He shouted. Zidane took his sword. “Consider this, if Prince Schneider were to marry Princess Cornelia …” He said at exactly the same time as Blank. Blank stared at him, puzzled. “No, no, no! That’s Blank’s line!!!” Baku yelled. Zidane scratched the back of his head. “Sorry!” Baku punched the pillow of the seat next to him. “Start over!” He commanded. “Consider this, if Prince Schneider were to marry Princess Cornelia, peace would reign over both their kingdoms!” Blank said. Zidane didn’t react. He was looking at Ruby. “Wow, she looks good in that dress!” He thought. Blank looked around, helpless. “Well, are you gonna consider it?” He hissed. “Shut up, Blank, can’t ya see I’m dreaming!” Zidane snapped. “Ugh…” Blank mumbled. He wanted to lean against the wall behind him, but forgot there wasn’t a wall! With a scream he fell backwards of the stage. “I’m…okay!” He yelled after a while. Baku was sitting with his face in his hands. “Okay, just study your OWN lines, and everything will be alright.” He said as calmly as possible, but as he went to the door, he dragged Zidane with him. Zidane looked at the others, with a scared look on his face. “Help me, guys…” He squeeked. And they all knew what was going to happen! Zidane was going to get the beating of his life!!!
The performance!
“Guys, this is it! Let’s show them what Tantalus’s worth!” Baku encouraged his thieves before the play started. With a shock Zidane realized that he hadn’t studied his text. He punched Blank’s arm. “Oh, my God, Blank! You gotta help me, I forgot to study my lines!” He whispered. “YOU WHAT ?!” Blank shouted. Zidane moved a little closer and mumbled. “I forgot to study my text…”
“WHAT THE F*CK YOU STUPID MONKEY WHAT HAVE YA BEEN DOIN’ THE LAST THREE MONTHS???!!!” Blank yelled. Zidane tried to calm him down, but it was already too late…Baku came in, looking REALLY angry. “If you two freaks don’t shut the hell up, I’m gonna rip out your stomachs and make you eat them again!” He threatened. Both Blank and Zidane gulped and shut their mouths. When Baku was gone, Blank shook his head and started walking away. “It’s your own fault, I’m nog saving your ass again!” He said. Zidane ran after him. “Pleeeaaase, Blank! You gotta help me!” He begged. “Remember how I saved your ass when you came home drunk?” Blank turned around. “You didn’t save me, you were the one who told Baku! And besides, I wasn’t drunk, I was high! Oh…Forget that!” Zidane started laughing. “Oh, yeah! Now I remember! I still had to take revenge because you ate my last muffin!” He grinned. Blank rolled his eyes and walked away. “No, wait! I’m sorry! C’mon Blank! I thought we were friends!” Zidane yelled. “Oh, so you betrayed your friend for a muffin?!” Blank replied. “Look, just write your lines on your arm!”
So Zidane did as Blank told him. He wrote his lines on his arm: ‘For the sake of our friend, let us burry our steel in the heart of the wretched king Leo! Cursed king Leo, I shall destruct thee in my kinsman’s incomparable pain! ‘Tis foolishness! If all were so easy, why, none would suffer in this world!”, and then went on dreaming about Wendy, Laura, Caroline and Marian. The play started. Marcus did his best not to make Ruby laugh, but it didn’t really turn out as he had hoped. First of all, he had a cold and talked through his nose. Next to that, Ruby accidently punched him in the face when she wanted to hug him, so his nose was bleeding. “Stick your thumb in it!” Blank whispered from behind the curtain. Finally, he tripped over Ruby’s foot and ripped her skirt to pieces as he tried not to fall. Baku ordered Benero and Zenero to lower the curtain immediatly. After that, he took Marcus by the shirt, and smacked him across the face a few times. “You stupid gremlin!” He shouted, so that all the people could hear it. Then the scene were Zidane, Blank, Marcus and Cinna challenge Baku started. Zidane was very nervous, and he was sweating alot, so the text on his arm turned a bit blurry. He stood up with his sword in his hand. “For the cake of our fiend, let us burp or steal in the heat of the wrecked thing, Leo.” He yelled, wondering what the hell Leo was. Blank and Cinna were staring at him with wide open mouths. Zidane ran onto the stage, and after having said “Nursed thin Leo, I hail instructor Lee (now who the bloomin’ hell is this Lee guy?) in my kind man’s incompetent rain!”, he began the fight with Baku. Meanwhile, Ruby dragged Benero of the stage, dressed him as an instructor and gave him a badge with ‘INSTRUCTOR LEE’ on it. Then she kicked Lowell on the stage with a cake in his hands. Baku’s face was purple, and he “accidently” slashed Zidane a few times. After the fight, Baku ran off. And when Zidane wanted to follow him, Blank got in his way. “Consider this, Zidane! If Prince Schneider were to marry Princess Cornelia, peace would reign over both their kingdoms!” He yelled. Zidane tried to push him aside and shouted: “Piss wool, Princess! If Squall were so beasty, my, don’ he would suck her in his wood? (Now it’s gettin’ interesting!)” Blank raised an eyebrow. “Go on, go on!” Baku hissed. So Blank and Zidane started the duel. That scene was a great succes. Zidane was smiling and winking at some girls on the first row. “Pay attention, you dumbass!” Blank whispered, but suddenly, the girls started cheering him on. He turned around and smiled. “Hi, cutie! D’ya know I really like red?” A girl wearing a short black dress giggled. “That bastard!” Zidane thought. He ran up to Blank and pushed him of the stage while screaming: “Die, traitor!!!” Blank fell right into the group of girls. At first, he looked scared, then furious! But finally, he grinned evily at Zidane as the girls overwhelmed him with kisses and hugs. Zidane wanted to jump on top of him and beat him to crap but Baku grabbed him by the tail. “That’s it, playtime’s over!” He growled.
The punishment.
Baku knocked softly on the door of the throne room. “Come in.” Queen Brahne answered briefly. Before entering Baku looked back at his gangmembers, who were seriously beaten up and trembling with fear. He sighed, shook his head and opened the door. Queen Brahne was sitting on her throne and Princess Garnet was sitting next to her. Zidane winked at Garnet, but she didn’t notice, because she was smiling at Cinna. Cinna didn’t see that either, because he was looking at the piece of Bundt Cake in Queen Brahne’s hand. “So, Mister Baku!” Queen Brahne said after a while. “I’ve really enjoyed your play, it was wonderful!” Baku thanked the great Thief God and shyly asked: “Really?” Queen Brahne threw the piece of Bundt Cake at him and shouted: “NO! IT WAS TERRIBLE!!!” Cinna tried to pick up the piece of cake, but Blank stepped on his hand. “W…What, Your Majesty?” Baku squeeked. “I guess you uneducated thieves can’t understand a word I am saying. Fine, I will say it in a language that EVEN you can understand: IT SUCKED LIKE HELL!!!” Queen Brahne screamed. Baku gulped. His back was itching like crazy, but he didn’t dare to move. The Queen wiped the sweat of her face. “I’ve never seen such a ridiculous performance of ‘I want to be your canary’! You should be ashamed of yourself for mocking such a great play! Right, darling?” She asked Garnet in a slimey way. “Actually, I kind of…” Garnet began, but Queen Brahne interrupted her. “Not only did you make fun of Lord Avalon, you also made fun of me! You promised me a play that would make the whole house burst into tears, but what did you give me? A CHEAP PORN SHOW!!!” Baku looked at Zidane with an expression on his face that would make even Kuja shiver. Zidane hid behind Marcus, but Marcus was just about to faint because of the beating Baku gave him, so Zidane tried to hide himself behind Blank AND stop Marcus from falling. “You will be punished for this.” Queen Brahne said in a threatening way. Baku fell on his knees. “No! Have mercy, Your Majesty!” He cried. His gangmembers raised their eyebrows, as they had never seen their boss beg like this. Funny, how Baku was on his knees in front of the woman he always called ‘fat, butt-ugly elephant-lady’ when she couldn’t hear it. Queen Brahne raised her eyebrows too. “Guards, take them away!” She said, showing how little she cared about this scurvy thiefgang. “NOOOooo…” Baku screamed as the guards dragged him and his thieves to prison.
Zidane woke up in a dark, stinking cell. He looked around and noticed somebody leaning against the wall. “Blank, is that you?” He whispered.
“No.” The person answered. Zidane got up and wiped the dust of his clothes. “C’mon man, this ain’t the time for jokes. I can hear it’s you, d’ya think I’m stupid?” He asked. “No.” Blank answered again. “Yeah, I’d think so!” Zidane laughed. “Damnit, do you know how we can get outta here?” “No.” Blank said. “Can’t you say anything else but ‘no’?” Zidane sighed. “…No.”
Zidane giggled nervously. “Hehe…You’re scarin’ me, Blank. Is this some kind of joke?” “No!”
Meanwhile, a girl dressed in a white cloak sneaked past the sleeping guards and stole the key to the celdoors. She opened the cell Baku was in. “Thanks…But who are you?” He asked. She gestured him to be quiet and went on to the other cells. She freed Ruby, Cinna, Marcus and the Nero’s, then went on to Zidane’s cell. When they arrived, they saw Zidane, slapping Blank in the face, while crying: “How can you do this to me, bitch!” The girl quickly opened the door. “Easy, Zidane! It’s just a doll…” She said. Zidane let go of the doll, that was going like: “No! No! No? No!” After having kicked the doll a few times, Zidane got out of the cell. “So, what’s up with these dolls, anyway?” He growled. “We all had dolls like that in our cells!” Cinna answered. “I think Queen Brahne wanted us to go crazy by locking us up with puppets that say nothing more but ‘no’. But, of course, we all knew immediatly they weren’t real.” Zidane nodded quickly. “Yeah, I knew! I just had to let of some steam…”
“Hey! Mine didn’t jes’ say ‘no’!” Ruby yelled. “I had a Zidane-doll, an’ ya don’t wanna know what he was sayin’!” Zidane turned to the girl. “Thanks for saving us, babe! I owe ya one! So, what’s your name?” He asked in a typical ‘Zidane-way’. “Uh…My name is…Netgar!” The girl answered nervously.
“Oh, Netgar! What a beautiful name!” Zidane whispered. The girl quickly ran up the stairs to the throne room before Zidane could put his arm around her shoulder. Right before the door she stopped and said: “We have no time for idle banter! Let us hurry!” So they ran as fast as they could. After a few battles with Alexandrian soldiers, they made it outside to their airship. They were all dying to leave, so in a few seconds, everybody was inside. Except for Zidane. He was holding Netgar’s hand and ignored Baku’s threats. “Please come with me, Netgar! I’ll never find a chick…Um…Girl like you anymore!” He begged her.
Under her white cloak, Netgar rolled her eyes. “Sorry, Zidane, but…Um…My heart already belongs to someone else! (Oh, brother!)” She pulled his hand of hers. “To who?” Zidane asked angrily. Netgar turned around and ran back to the castle. “To Prince Schneider!” She yelled, grinning. But Zidane couldn’t see that grin. He thought she was serious! “Schneider, eh?” He thought. “Wait! Didn’t Cinna play Prince Schneider?” He looked up and saw that Baku was already leaving. He jumped and grabbed a rope that was hanging from the airship. Blank looked down. “It didn’t work, Boss! He’s hanging on the rope!” He shouted. “Then cut it off!” Zidane heard Baku yell. He grinned and climbed up to the airship. Blank helped him. “There you go, bro!” He said. “Thanks, sis!” Zidane laughed. Blank shook his head and leaned against a wooden crate. “I knew I should’ve cut off the rope” He mumbled. Zidane patted him on the back. “Nah, I was just kiddin’. It’s good you helped me, I was still shivering too much to climb. I held Netgar’s hand, you know!” Blank sighed. “You’re full of crap.” Zidane laughed out loud. “I’m glad you’re not just saying ‘no’ all the time. Oh, yeah! I still had something to do!” He walked up the deck and spotted Cinna, who was sitting next to a carbage can, dreaming about Bundt Cake. Zidane smiled. He sneaked behind Cinna and wanted to grab him by the shoulders when suddenly, somebody stepped on his tail. “AHYAAH!!!” Zidane cried. He turned around to see Baku. (And seriously, when Baku is standing on your tail, that’s GOTTA hurt!) “Well, are ya finally here?! What tha hell took ya so long!” He yelled while grabbing Zidane by the shirt. Zidane squeeked, but Baku was smiling evily. “What should I do with him, boys?” He asked. “The same as he wanted to do with Cinna, maybe?” Marcus grinned. Baku lifted Zidane. “Good idea!”
“I’ll get you! All of you!” Zidane shouted with his mouth full of garbage while he tried to get out of the trash can.