Prologue

            I find myself wondering all the time. “What if?”  What if this and what if that. “What if…?” What it all comes down to is that the “what ifs,” don’t matter. What done is done and no “what ifs,” will ever change that. So…whatever…

            After our victory over Ultimecia I thought for the first time in my life everything would be right. Things after 17 years would finally fall into place and my puzzle wouldn’t have missing pieces anymore. I bitterly found out that life is more fickle then a stupid puzzle and a hellova a lot harder to put together, but I guess I always knew that. It’s just that after I met her I never wanted to believe that again.

            The gang sort of dispersed a little after our last battle. Some by choice, others by demand and commitment. Selphie went back to Trabia Garden to help with reconstruction. She never came back. Irvine was officially made a SeeD. He, after Selphie left, went back to the Galbadia Garden. Where he’s under the command of Seifer, who’s the general there.  Ironic was the word that came to mind when I heard that, but who am I to say? It’s none of my business. I believe that Selphie and Irvine still talk, but that none of my business either. Zell is still a SeeD at Balamb Garden where he’s under the command of Quistis who was promoted to general. Then there was Rinoa… I’ve made some unbelievably idiotic mistakes throughout my life. Letting her go was by far my biggest, and the consequence was the hardest to bear. Not a single muscle in my body didn’t yearn for her, and it just got worse with every passing moment. She meant, no, she was everything to me. Maybe my biggest mistake wasn’t letting her go, but never telling her that.

            Rinoa was called to Galbadia soon after our battle with Ultimecia with responsibilities to lead the country as sorceress. I’ll remember our conversation the day she left till the day I take my last breath.

            “This goes beyond sorceress Adel or even Ultimecia. This is what I have to do,” Rinoa told me.

            “This isn’t what I want. This isn’t what I need,” Rinoa looks right at me and into my heart. “You realize this is more then a responsibility or an obligation. Lives are depending on it. Depending on someone is a mighty powerful thing.”

            “I know,” I told her and I did know. I knew all to well.

            “Then you’ll let me go without… without a fight?” She choked the last part out tears where running down her face.

            I wanted to comfort her, but I didn’t. I stood there still as a rock just looking at her. She had her bag already packed and was ready for the station.

            “It’s not a forever goodbye,” she was telling herself just as much as she was telling me. I didn’t say anything.

            “Well…goodbye then,” she takes steps towards the door. I grab her by the arm.

            “Rinoa…don’t…like when you where going to the sorceress memorial…” She broke me off.

            “This time is different,” she gave me a gently kiss on the forehead. With the kind of gentleness that Rinoa was known for the gentleness that made her so incredible. I let go of her arm.

            “Fine;” and turn my back on her. I didn’t have the strength to face her at that moment. I hear her go towards the door then stop.

            “You know Squall when you open your heart things just come naturally,” she said with valediction then left.

            From the moment that she left the room my heart actually burned with pain. It took me a little while to realize that I couldn’t live with that burn. I bolted out the door and ran like hell to the train station.

            I arrived at the station and found it empty. Everyone must have already boarded their train. Not all was lost, though, the trains where still there. I ran from train to train looking into the windows calling Rinoa’s name. A station manager yelled at me to get off the tracks, but I didn’t listen. I kept telling myself “I can’t feel that burn! I don’t want to be alone! I’m not letting her go!” I was still searching when three of the stations came and forced me off the tracks. The trains then began to move forward. It was then that I saw her. She had her face looking down towards her lap. I saw a blur of tears running down her beautiful face. I fell to my knees with my own tears coming down.

            “Rinoa!” I cried out till the train was gone and so was she.

                        *                      *                      *                      *                      *

            “Knock…knock,” someone was at my door. I shook my head and put down the paper and answered the door.

            “President Loire would like to see you,” it was one of Laguna’s secretaries. I nodded took one more glance at the cover picture on the paper then went to Laguna’s office.

What We Let Pass By

Ch. 1

Thrown Back Together

            Squall strolled into my office I was reading the paper when I saw him come in. I put the paper down feeling a little ashamed. There was an awkward moment of silence between us. Sensing the awkwardness I made an effort to break it.

            “Hard to believe isn’t it?”

            “No, it isn’t,” Squall said flatly sitting down in one of my chairs. He then asked me. “Is that why you called me down here?’

            “Along those grounds,” I told him. He slid further into his chair looking like this was the last place he wanted to be and that I was the last person he wanted to talk to on the subject that I was about to branch out on. “Haven’t you even tried contacting any of your friends?” I asked concerned.

            “Friends?” He knew damn well what I was talking about.

            “Yeah you know those people you saved the world with. The people who you loved and cared for,” He through his eyes at my remarks. “Squall!” I yelled “Don’t pretend you didn’t love or care for them and that you don’t love and care for them still.” He sat there silent.

            “They haven’t contacted me,” He snarled at me after the moment of silence.

            “Now maybe they don’t, but before they did and you know it. You just probably never responded.” He knew the statement was true.

            “That was my choice to make,” he told me. I look straight at Squall softening my voice.

            “Son,” I saw his eyes turn away at me. I knew he hated it when I addressed him like that, but that’s what he was my son. For 17 years I wasn’t his father, but now… I stopped thinking and continued to talk. “I’m worried. You’re not happy and even though you’ve been a damn good soldier for Esthar I know it’s not what you really want.”

            “What do I want?” He asked mockingly. I hold up the paper Rinoa and Seifer’s picture was under the headline “The Wedding of Dreams,” I point to Rinoa “her.”

            He looks away from the picture and said “that train pass me by along time ago.”

            “What happened Squall? You guys seamed to really care for each other. I know she had to take care of some things in Galbadia, but why did you stop it there?”

            “That’s none of your business!” he snapped at me and goes to leave.

            “Squall,” I called to him stopping him at the doorway. “You’ve been assigned to assists the SeeDs in Balamb.”

            “What?” he asked dully not believing what I had just said?

            “As President of Esthar I’ve ordered you to Balamb. Your train leaves early tomorrow morning. I’ve contacted Quistis she will pick you up at the station in Balamb.”

            He stood there not knowing how to react. “You’re dismissed,” I told him returning to my paper.

            “Whatever,” he said leaving my office and slamming the door behind him.

                        *                      *                      *                      *                      *

            Zell and I waited impatiently for the train from Esthar to arrive. It had been almost three years since we last heard from Squall. When Rinoa left Squall just kind of hit rock bottom. He just sort of sat in bed all day. If it wasn’t for Squalls depression he would have been promoted to general instead of me. A little after Rinoas departure Squall left, for what I thought, to go see Rinoa. I guess he never did. Last I heard he went to Esthar where he became a soldier there. It hurt when Squall left, but I knew for him to be with his new discovered father would probably be best for him. However, I never imagined Squall running to president Laguna. When president Laguna called me a few days ago I was incredible happy to hear him ask if Squall could come back to help out the SeeD. I didn’t hesitate with saying yes and neither did headmaster Cid. As Zell and I stood there waiting I couldn’t help but to feel excited about Squall coming back, and the possibilities that it could lead to.

            “Do you think Squall coming back has anything to do with Rinoa and Seifer getting married?” Zell asked interrupting my thoughts.

            “Maybe,” I said recalling my conversation with president Laguna. “President Laguna made it sound like it was more his decision then Squalls,” I told Zell.

            “Well who cares why he’s coming. I just can’t wait to see the man!” Zell said to me enthusiastically.

            “Me too,” I said as the train from Esthar pulled in.

                        *                      *                      *                      *                      *

            “Laguna that son of a bitch,” I said to myself as the train was approaching Balamb. I left Balamb 3 years ago for a reason I also never came back for that same reason. I laid my head against the window and watched the scenery pass me by. My mind went back to the last time I was on a train, or second to last time. My last time on a train was from Galbadia to Esthar. It was almost three years ago. I was on my way to see Rinoa…

            “How long do you think you’ll be gone?” Quistis asked.

            “Not sure,” I told her I really wasn’t.

            “Have a safe trip man. Take care of what you have to take care of and then come home,” Zell never seemed to loose his enthusiasm.

            “Will do Zell,” and extending my hand for a handshake. He moves past my hand and gives me a big hug. I stiffly pat him on the shoulder. “Thanks Zell,” Zell pulls away. I look over at Quistis she gave me a rare smile.

            “Bring her back Squall,” I nod and step onto the train.

            It had been three weeks since Rinoa had gone to Galbadia. I was completely miserable those three weeks with only the picture of Rinoa in my mind to keep me sane.

            The whole train ride I was nervous from head to toe. I wasn’t sure exactly how Rinoa was going to react to me showing up at her doorstep, but I was to the point where I didn’t care. I needed to see her smile. I needed to hear her call my name. I picked up the paper Rinoa’s picture was on the front page her hands covering her face. The headline read “A Sorceress or a joke?” I crumble the paper. “Those spineless basterds,” I thought out loud.

            The train stopped in Galbadia getting off the train I didn’t know where to go. There was the sorceress palace, but that wasn’t exactly a place where you could just walk in. I needed to get permission and it was General Calaway who came to mind. If I was going to be able to get permission it was going to come from him. I took the trolley to Calaway’s mansion fortunately the guards’ remembered me and I was allowed right in. Knocking on the general’s door his butler came to answer. Standing up straight I ask the butler.

            “May I please see General Calaway?”

            “This way sir,” the butler leads me to the general’s office and knocks on the door.

            “Come in,” came a voice from inside. I walk in looking up from his desk General Calaway looks peculiarly up at me. I don’t know who he was expecting but it sure wasn’t me. He erases the surprise from his face. “What can I do for you…? Squall isn’t it?”

            “Sir I have come to ask for permission to go to the sorceress’ palace.”

            “What for?” he asked perfectly knowing my reason, but I answered anyway.

            “To see Rinoa,” he takes a good look at me.

            “You sure you want to do that?” he looks me directly in the eyes.

            “Mad Shiva’s couldn’t keep me away,” I said standing up as straight and proud as I could.

            “Why do you want to see her?”

            “With respect sir that’s between me and Rinoa,” he looks at me hard for the last time sizing up the situation at hand. Finally reaches for a piece of paper and signs it.

            “I hope you know what you’re setting yourself up for. I wouldn’t have given you permission, but from the look in your eyes I don’t think there isn’t anyway to stop you. I mind as well make it easier on everybody.” He hands me the piece of paper. Saluting him I walk out the door.

            I arrived at the sorceress’ palace my entire body shaking. Talking to General Calaway made me really self- conscious. What was he talking about? Did Rinoa say something to him that would- I pushed my thoughts away. Ignoring all my thoughts in my brain and only following my heart I went up to the soldier guarding the entrance and handed him the piece of paper that the general gave me. He read it over giving it back to me he let me in. I had only taken a few steps when another soldier steps in front of me.  Giving this soldier the piece of paper to he reads it. Once finished he asked.

            “What is your business here?”

            “I want to see Rinoa,” I told the soldier.

            “The sorceress is in the middle of a meeting. You can wait till there finished.” I nodded and let the soldier lead me to the waiting room right outside Rinoa’s office. With the soldier standing there watching over me I stood there. I could hardly believe that Rinoa was only a wall away from me.

            The wait wasn’t long before the door opened and I caught a glimpse of Rinoa’s baby blue shirt. I turned my attention to the man who just walked out from Rinoa’s office. My jaw dropped at the sight of Seifer Almansy. Seifer looked at me without a sign of shock. I walked up to Seifer.

            “What the hell are you doing here?” I said through gritted teeth.

            “I’m the general of the Galbadia SeeD’s I have business with the sorceress all the time. What should be asked is what are you doing here?” Seifer hadn’t lost a drop of his arrogance. I look from him to the door.

            “I came to see Rinoa.” It didn’t come out as confidently as I had hoped.

            “You want to see Rinoa,’ Seifer chuckles. “That’s fine but what makes you think she wants to see you?” My fist clench and I move my hand closer to my gunblade. “You let her go Squall. You lost and now,” he lowers his voice so I was the only one to hear. “She’s mine.” I glare at Seifer hatred was becoming an overwhelming sensation. The soldier noticing a fight about to breakout says to me.

            “Your next sir,” I stood there.

            “Yeah Squall your next,” Seifer snarls. I look at the door so close to Rinoa, but yet so far. I once again turn my back on Rinoa and leave.

            Not being with Rinoa was painful, but the thought of Rinoa with Seifer together was unbearable and so was the idea of going back to Balamb. The way I saw it there was nothing there for me anymore. I decided to go to Esthar where Laguna without hesitation would take me under his wing.

            Esthar is where I’ve been for the last three years. I tried hard to loose touch with everyone. I only wrote once to Quistis and Zell telling them of my whereabouts. Quistis and Zell along with Irvine and Selphie have sent me many letters since then, but none have I responded to. As time went by it was easier to let them all go along with it. It made it easier not to think of Rinoa.

            The train screeched to a stop when it arrived in Balamb I looked out the window and saw Quistis and Zell waiting. It all came rushing back to me. Stepping off the train I smelt the Balamb air. My heart filled with a familiar ness… it was a good feeling.

            Quistis and Zell walked up to me there was a moment of silence among us. The silence was a symbol for the time that was lost between us. Like the lost time the silence was ended by Zell.

            “Give me a hug man!” and before I could do anything Zell had wrapped me in a hug. I pulled away fast, but to myself I admitted that I was grateful for Zell’s warm outburst.

            “Come on Squall,” Quistis says “We’ll take you to your dormitory.”

            Walking through the garden was like a home coming. I think I was in denial on how much I missed the Garden, because once I stepped inside the building I felt like I had finally made it home. The dormitory that they took me to was just like the one I had three years ago.

            “I get my own dormitory?” I asked them when we stepped into the room.

            “It was headmaster Cid’s idea,” the headmaster that was someone that I hadn’t thought of in awhile.

            “Tell him thank you.”

            “You can tell him yourself tonight at dinner,” Zell tells me I stood there silent. All this was coming back into my all at once and I didn’t know if I was ready for it.

            “We’ll let you settle and gain a sense of all that’s happening. We’ll pick you up tonight for dinner.” Quistis tells me I nod in response and quietly say.

             “Thanks Quistis,” she gave me a smile.

            “It’s good to have you back Squall,” she tells me as her and Zell leave the room. I took a look at the room that they left me in.

            “It’s good to be back,” I said to myself and laid on the bed thinking until Quistis and Zell returned.

            When Quistis and Zell came to get me I had the pillow over my face. I can’t really describe it, but I felt safe like nobody can find me when my face was covered by the pillow. Zell whips the pillow from my face.

            “I have a nice sleep?” Zell asked

            “Didn’t sleep,” I told him getting off the bed and joining them at the door.

            “What did ya do then?” He continued to push

            “Just thought about things,” knowing not to ask what I was thinking about Zell backed off.

            “Come on guys the headmaster and Edea are waiting,” Quistis always spoke up at the right moments. You could always count on her for that. I thought back to all the times that Quistis broke up fights between Seifer and me. I cringed at the name.

            Quistis and Zell lead me down to the cafeteria where a smiling headmaster Cid and Edea where waiting. Seeing their faces brought a slight ease to my stomach which has been churning for years. These where the people who I respected most in the world I shake the headmaster’s hand.

            “Squall no need for formalities,” giving me a big hug followed by Edea doing the same. I gave them a polite nod as we sat down at the table. The noise in the cafeteria had not changed it was filled with the same senseless chatter.

            “I’m not accustomed to the cafeteria surroundings. I feel a bit silly,” Cid joked looking around the cafeteria at all the young SeeDs and students.

            “Now dear,” Edea chirped in, “what else do you expect?”

            “Nothing else my dear, nothing else,” Cid said smiling then turning to Zell and Quistis. “What good to eat here?’

            “The hotdogs, sir!” Zell burst without hesitation.

            “Well then in honor of Squalls return,” Cid gets up and goes up to the cafeteria counter. He comes back with a tray of full of hotdogs stacked at least a foot high.

            “Alright headmaster!” Zell said  adamantly grabbing a hotdog. I watched the headmaster chuckle then joined in with everyone in grabbing a hotdog from off the tray. Taking a bite I forgot how much I loved those things.

 As we where eating Edea asked “So how’s Esthar been Squall?”

“Fine,” I told her not wanting to get into it.

“Well we appreciate your help along with your company Squall.” The headmaster tells me.

“Thank you sir,” I said honestly appreciating the kind words.

“If there’s any questions don’t hesitate,” I nod at the headmaster’s invitation.

Having enjoyed my dinner with everyone I went back to my dormitory with a full stomach, but more importantly a heart that was starting to feel again. With all that was happening I couldn’t help but to wonder, as I was falling asleep, if I was setting myself up for another big fall.

The next morning came with the heat of the morning sun beaming down on me. It felt as if I never missed a morning waking up here. I went down to the cafeteria where I found Quistis and Zell already having breakfast.

“Sleep well?” Quistis asked with a sleepy yawn.

“Surprisingly very well,” I told Quistis sitting down in a chair next to her.

“Guess who’s coming in man!” Zell burst out not able to keep it in any longer, but before I got a chance to guess a woman SeeD comes up to me asking nervously.

“Are you really Squall Lionheart?” I nodded. The woman loses some of her nervousness. “Oh my god I didn’t believe it!” She points over to a group of giggling girls. “They all said you where. I didn’t believe them, but here you are. You’re a lot cuter then I heard.” Out of the corner of my eyes I saw Quistis and Zell smile at each other. The woman continues to talk with her eyes looking down on the ground. She pivots her foot around when she asked.

“So do you and sorceress Rinoa still talk?” I look away not answering her question. Quistis and Zell look daggers at the woman who walks off. “I’m sorry it was just a question,” the woman says going back to her table.

Nobody said anything I sat there remembering that this is why I didn’t want to come back. I didn’t want to deal with people like that woman people always remembering me for once being with the “sorceress.” “But I’m not with the sorceress!” I shouted inside my head. “Seifer is!”

Zell wanting to break the silence asked me the question that he was asking before the woman interrupted us, only this time with less enthusiasm. “So can you guess whose coming?” I shrug my shoulders “Irvine and Selphie. They’ll be here tomorrow.”

“Great,” I said not lifting the tone in my voice. I get up from the table. “I’m going to go back to my dormitory.”

“But Squall,” Quistis protested “You didn’t even have any breakfast.”

“I’m still full from the hotdogs,” I told her and started my way back to my dorm. Thankfully Quistis and Zell left me alone. Even with three years between us they still knew that I needed time to think. I thought about a lot of things with my time alone in the dorm. I thought about my time back in Balamb thus far, I thought about headmaster Cid and Edea, I thought about Quistis and Zell and seeing Irvine and Selphie tomorrow, but what I thought most about was Rinoa. Over the years I had gotten better about not thinking about her, but it was completely impossible to completely stop. What I found myself thinking about the most was what would have happen if I would have done things differently. I hated “What ifs,” but that’s all I had left of Rinoa was the “What ifs” so against my will I cling to them.

It got later and I decided to go for a walk. I made a quick stop into the library and Quad just to see, but I really only had one real destination and that was the training center. I patted my gunblade, the only thing that I ever really trusted, as I walked into the center. Stepping up into the grass of the training center I saw a T-Rex coming in my direction. Pulling out my gunblade I call out toward the T-Rex. “Come on lets dance!”

            *                      *                      *                      *                      *

After the breakfast episode Zell and I decided to leave Squall alone for the day. We knew it must be hard enough coming back without us down his neck. I didn’t check on Squall until it was time for dinner. I went to his dorm and knocked on his door when there was no answer I walked in. Discovering that he wasn’t in his room it wasn’t very hard to figure out where he went.

I arrived in the training center and found Squall battling a T-Rex. Taking out my whip I walk up to Squall.

“Can I join you?” I asked him not caring what his answer was. I joined in the fight without any transition. As Squall finished the last strike I say to him. “After three years Squall you’re still so predictable.”

“Huh…why do you ask?” he asked one of those rare times curiosity got the better of him.

“I had no doubt where you were. On his first full day back at the garden where else would Squall Lionheart go?” I said almost mockingly. Squall gives me ever so small smile. “Come on lets go to dinner,” I say to him feeling the flutter in my heart.

            *                      *                      *                      *                      *

Feeling a little more lighthearted after my go in the training center and Quistis attempt to cheer me up I was ready to see Irvine and Selphie. Quistis, Zell and I where hanging out on the balcony on the outside of the garden when Irvine and Selphie arrived. Hugs and joy filled that balcony Irvine and Selphie where still the upbeat and cheerful souls that they always where. After my third hug from Selphie she shouts.

“The notorious six back together again!” everyone looks nervously from Selphie to me. Selphie realizing her mistake tries to fix it. “I mean notorious five.” I walk away from the group and went to the edge of the balcony looking over it into the star filled sky. I say to everyone.

“No, you where right the first time Selphie where just missing the sixth.”

What We Let Pass By

Ch. 2

The Sixth

            As a star shot across the star filled sky my mind shifted to a ballroom, fireworks filled the sky along with the stars and I looking at Squall Lionheart for the very first time. With a heavy sigh I close my window and lied down on my bed. I asked the heavens how I got to where I was. It felt like yesterday that I was reading headlines like “Incompetent Child,” and “A Sorceress or a Joke?” I remember how hard the first few months where here all the criticism and all the pressure that went along with it were awful. This wasn’t at all how I wanted to live my life. I waited and waited for him to come, but he never did. In the back of my mind, when I had left for Galbadia, I thought Squall would come rescue me and for the first time he didn’t. I shouldn’t blame Squall for I could have just as easily have gone to see him, but I didn’t do that either, the fates where against us or maybe our tenderness for each other for each other wasn’t what I thought it was.

            I heard he went to live with president Laguna, his father. When I heard it I thought that so wasn’t something that Squall would do, go running to someone, even if it was his father. I remember the smirk that Seifer gave when I told him it.

            “Yeah I bet went running to daddy,” I wished I hadn’t told Seifer that president Laguna was Squall’s father. With a heavy heart I answered.

            “I’m sure he has his reasons.”

            “I’m sure he does too and I’m sure the reason was he couldn’t cut it as a SeeD after all.”

            “Seifer,” I pleaded hating it when he bashed on Squall.

            “Rinoa when are you going to realize that Squall wasn’t the guy you thought he was.” I didn’t answer I didn’t know how to answer.

            “Squalls not here for you, but I am.” Seifer puts his arm around me I quickly shook it off. Over the next couple of years Seifer kept putting his arm around me and less quickly each time I shook it off until eventually I didn’t shake it off anymore.

            My thoughts returned to the present when Seifer barged into my room. I wasn’t surprised at his entrance for this was how he always came in.

            “It’s done”, Seifer announces to me standing up tall with his burly chest sticking out. “I just delivered all the invitations.” I take a moment hesitating before I ask.

            “Did you send one to Quistis and everyone?’

            “No, why would I?” he answered like my question was ridiculous.

            “Because I want them at our wedding,” I told him.

            “Well I don’t,” Seifer says firmly taking off his cloths and putting on his pajamas.

            “What about what I want!?” I cried out hating it when he regarded me the way he was. Seifer softening but not giving in says.

            “I just be awkward for me Rinoa and I think it would me for you too, your just not thinking it through,” he climbs in bed with me and tries to cuddle I jerk away getting out of bed.

            “Oh, come on Rinoa don’t be like this,” Seifer protested.

            “I think I’m going to sleep in a spare room tonight,” I told him. Turning to leave I heard Seifer say.

            “Don’t think that I don’t know that you still think about him, Rinoa.” Feeling guilty I take a step back towards Seifer.

            “Theres no harm in just thinking,” I told him trying to justify myself.

            “I’m your fiancée. I’m the one that was there for you.” Seifer’s voice rises violently. “You damn well better remember that!” Without either of us saying another word I left the room.

            Next morning I was eating my breakfast when Seifer came down he sits next to me without saying a word. The butler serves him his breakfast and he begins to eat. There was that uncomfortable silence that surrounded us all too often. Seifer when he felt ready broke the silence.

            “I think that marriages need to have compromise”- I broke in.

            “You think?” I said to him sarcastically. Seifer gives me s grim smile then continues.

            “I don’t want them there, but obviously you do so as a compromise instead of them going to our wedding we’ll go to this,” Seifer hands me a piece of paper which was an invitation. I read the invitation out loud.

We are all one,

                    Balamb, Galbadia and Trabia gardens are to have a ceremony honoring the SeeDs that so gallantly strive to protect our country. It’s also a chance for the three gardens to get to know each other after all where all SeeDs.

          Where: Balamb garden

          When:  May, 16   

                    5:00pm

                                       Till then,

                                                Quistis Trepe

                                                          General of Balamb

                                                Cid Kramer

                                                          Headmaster of Balamb

I look at Seifer. “That’s in one week,” I said astonished.

“Yeah,” he says not seeing my point.

“Were you not going to tell me about this?” I could feel my anger from last night coming back. Seifer just shrugs his shoulders. “And this is your idea of a compromise?”

“Rinoa, your going to see them isn’t that what you ultimately wanted? So please just lay off.”

Even though I was happy I was going to see everyone I was mad at how Seifer presented this to me. Leaving him at the breakfast table I went into my office collapsing into my chair I began to cry. I cried about a lot of things at that moment, but mostly about the dismal future that awaited me.

*                        *                      *                      *                      *

            The Five of us spent the night talking. So much had happened in the past few years it made me sad that I missed it, but that was the choice I made and now I had the chance to make up for that choice. It scared me that I was ready to put myself in that position where I’d be so vulnerable. I guess that just signified how much I really care and love these guys.

            We where all still on the balcony. Sitting down we where all listening to Selphie’s account on how the Trabia garden recovered from the missile attack.

            “It made me so sad rebuilding the place where I grew up. My home was destroyed, people that I cared for where hurt or killed and that only Trabia was left with the pain that the missiles brought. That’s what I at least thought when I first got there. I then saw the power of people working together. It blew me away BOOM I suddenly realized how much I wanted to be part of that.”

            “And that’s why you never came back,” Quistis said. Selphie nods.

            “I’m super sorry guys it’s just what I had to do for myself.”

            “Selphie, we understand,” Zell sympathized then asked. “But when did Irvine come back to the picture?” Irvine stands up all dramatically.

            “With my heart stripped away from not being with Selphie I left Balamb garden to go back to Galbadia, but even there I couldn’t bear not being with my Selphie.” Irvine puts his hands on his heart. “The pain became so much that I decided to go see Selphie.” Irvine kneels down next to Selphie giving her a big hug.

            “Irvine surprised me at Trabia. It made me so happy because I missed him so much.” Selphie gives Irvine a quick kiss. “We’ve been together ever since. We’ve made trips to each others garden to see each other.”

            Irvine and Selphie made the effort to be with each other. That’s what Rinoa and I could have done. Once again I had brought up the “What If.” Putting the thoughts once again to the back of my mind I listened to Selphie ask Quistis and Zell.

            “What have you guys been doing here?”

            “Well being general keeps you busy,” Quistis told her. “But honestly staying busy made me miss you guys less so always tried to keep busy.

            “Yeah it’s not the same without you guys, but we made do. I mean at least we still have the hotdogs.” Everyone laughed at one of Zell’s rare funny jokes. Irvine then turns to me.

            “So Squall how was Esthar treating you?”

            I shrug my shoulders. “Alright,” I told him.

            “Ah, come on Squall you haven’t said anything about Esthar since you’ve been here.” Zell exclaimed.

            “There honestly isn’t much to tell. I was an Esthar soldier, but there wasn’t much to done as one. I ended up spending most of my time with Ellone.”

            “Oh, how is Sis doing?” Selphie asked.

            “She’s good.”

            “We don’t want you to go into detail,” Quistis said sarcastically. With a sigh I went more in depth on the subject.

            “She’s made lots of friends with the Esthar citizens,” I gave a little smile to my self. “All the guys seem to like her,” everyone smiles. We went on to talk about headmaster Cid and Edea also Laguna and his two best friends Karos and Ward, but thankfully they didn’t make me go in to much detail with them. I wouldn’t have even if they had asked. Eventually the subject of Seifer was brought up. Still with great bitterness and anger towards the man Zell asked Irvine.

            “So what is it like working under Seifer?” We all waited for Irvine’s answer. Irvine was looking real uncomfortable the guy never really held well under pressure. After clearing his throat several times he finally said something.

            “Seifer is…well Seifer’s actually rather that is he’s good at the command.” At Irvine’s words we where all silent none of really knowing what to say Irvine not liking what he created tried to fix the silence. “That is he doesn’t hesitate and stuff like that and” – I cut Irvine off in effort to save him.

            “It’s alright Irvine you don’t have to justify what you think. I always knew Seifer was good at command. I’m sure becoming a general came naturally for him.”

            “I still think the guy is a jerk, but…” he fades off. Another uncomfortable silence approached us. This being too much for Selphie to handle she burst into action.

            “Hey, enough of this today’s a happy day why don’t we all give the training center a go.” Not even Selphie’s quirkiness could help the uncomfortable ness, but it did help the silence.

            “It’s been a big day,” Quistis rationalized. “Why don’t we call it a night?” Everyone agreed. While Zell went straight to bed Quistis brought Irvine and Selphie to their dorms which where next to mine. Once Irvine and Selphie where situated Quistis walked me to my dorm we stopped at the door way.

            “I’m sure this has been a lot for you in the past couple of days,” Quistis says to me.

            “Sure, but I haven’t had anything in the past few years so I was due.”

            “Your lonely Squall,” I lowered my head not saying anything. Quistis grabbed my hand the way that Rinoa used to. “So am I,” she says then letting go of my hand she walks away. She quickly turns back to me and says “Squall,” I look at her looking at me. She seemed to be at a lost for words gaining her senses she says to me. “Since the notices to the students and SeeDs are going out tomorrow I should tell you. Next week our garden is holding a ceremony for all SeeD. It was the headmaster’s idea he said it give the gardens a chance to communicate with each other. You can be part of the ceremony if you want since you never technically quit being a SeeD. I just wanted to tell you before you heard it walking around the halls tomorrow.” I stood there thinking about what Quistis had just said I ask her.

            “All the gardens will be there?”

            “Yes,” Quistis said knowing what my concern was. Turning to my dorm room I say goodnight to Quistis. In the corner of my eye I saw her still standing there as I closed the door.

            I almost left that night. Galbadia garden was going to be here which meant Seifer was going to be here too and with him was going to be Rinoa. I didn’t want to see either of them, but I was tired from hiding from them. I hated who I was for the past three years and I wasn’t going to run back to that life.

            The next morning Quistis told everyone about the ceremony at breakfast. Selphie was ecstatic.

            “You mean there’s going to be a big party here with all the gardens in less then a week!?” Quistis nods watching Selphie jump up excitingly.

            “What’s the ceremony going to be like?” Zell asked getting just as excited as Selphie.

            “Some people are going to talk like headmaster Cid, Edea and the generals. Mostly it will be people just being silly. People are going to vote for SeeDs to go up and sing and of course there will be dancing.” The event sounded like a ball to everyone, but to me it sounded like a night of hell. Not wanting to ruin everyone else’s excitement I kept quite and nodded along with everyone anticipation of the big night.

            By the end of the day the ceremony was all the garden was talking about. “This is the biggest thing ever to happen to this garden,” I heard one girl chirp to a group of her friends. I frowned at that, what about the time that Galbadia attacked us or when we discovered that the garden could fly? Those things where big this was just stupid.

            The next week past extremely fast. It was the night before the big day and everyone was out getting ready. I had stayed in my dorm sharpening my gunblade irritated by the commotion that was going around the garden when I heard a knock on the door. Answering the door I was surprised to see Quistis.

            “You’re the last person I expected,” I told her “I thought you be busy getting ready for the big day tomorrow.”

            “I decided that I needed a little break,” she said stepping into my room and sitting down on my bed. Closing the door behind me I leaned against the wall looking at her. Quistis had always been something like a sister to me. When Sis was taken away Quistis came through and took care of me. Even when I hated it I always appreciated it. I wonder if she knew that, I made a mental not to tell her. Quistis sat there in silence for awhile I didn’t say anything I stood there in the silence with her till Quistis was ready to talk.

            “So are you going to go?” She asked suddenly from no where.

            “I think,” was all I said.

            “I hope you do I know its going to be hard with all whose going to be there, but everyone really wants you to come. I really want you to come.” Looking at Quistis’ face I saw how much she meant the words she spoke. Nodding I tell her.

            “I’ll be there.”

            “Wonderful,” she gets up from the bed and heads to the door. Hesitating for a moment she pulls up to me giving me a quick kiss on the forehead. Turning red Quistis quickly leaves I watch her go standing there shocked.

            Madness was spread over the garden by the next morning. People from other gardens started coming. The five of us hung around the cafeteria prior to the event. We where all dressed in our SeeD uniforms. Headmaster Cid handed me my SeeD uniform earlier this morning.  The feeling of pride and contentment that went into putting that uniform on was beyond words.

            A half- hour before the ceremony was to start we took our seats at one of the front tables that were reserved for us. We watched as the quad filled with SeeDs from all over. It amazed me how many SeeDs there really where all risking there lives for the sake of others. As we stared through the crowd nobody said anything, but we all where looking for the same two people. Five minutes before the ceremony we see a crowd of people part as two figures walk to the front table next to ours and sit down. My heart started beating fast and my mouth grew dry. One of the figures that sat down was Rinoa who had walked hand in hand with Seifer to the table that they where now sitting at. My heart burned with a pain of jealousy at the sight of them together.

            The quad began to get real dark and I had to force myself to turn away from her not knowing if she saw me.

            The ceremony was long and a bit tormenting. Even though headmaster Cid and Quistis’ presentations where touching Seifer’s was just torture. After talking about his soldiers in Galbadia he concluded with talking about his beautiful fiancée.

            “Without you nothing else would matter,” I painfully noticed as Seifer was giving out these loving words he wasn’t saying them to Rinoa, but to the crowd. I forced a look to Rinoa as Seifer went back to his seat. Her face was looking down towards her lap and even though her eyes where closed there was a strong hint of sadness to her that it made my heart stiffen.

            When the Trabia general was finished speaking Headmaster Cid went back up. He beamed down at all the SeeDs. Without loosing a hint of his smile he talks out loud to the crowd.

            “It’s time for a little fun!” I hear the people all around me cheer. “Now we had each garden vote to have someone from their garden come up here and sing. Since the Balamb garden is hosting this ceremony we’ll start it off.” Reading from a piece of paper he says “and starting it off for us will be Mr. Squall Lionheart.” Eyes fell on me as I sat there not moving for all the gil in the world.

            “Come on Squall it will be fun!” Selphie tried to encourage me. I sunk deeper into my chair imagining the arrogant smile across Seifer’s face.

            “No way,” I whispered to everyone. I heard the crowd start chanting my name. Squall, Squall, Squall. Quistis turns to me and says.

            “Go on up.”

            “I don’t know any songs,” I persisted.

            “Then make some up from the heart,” I saw something in Quistis’ eyes that I had never seen before. I didn’t know what to make of it, but I did stand up and walk up to the podium. After an encouraging handshake from the headmaster I stood there alone with hundreds of pairs of eye staring at me. I first made a quick glance toward Rinoa who was still staring into her lap and then to Quistis who gave me an encouraging smile. I hear music start to play behind me and the beat of the music going into my heart. I grabbed the mike and stepped away from the podium. My heart was racing, but I felt something inside of me. With my heart going crazy from so many different emotions running around in me that it made my head feel like it was going to split. I realize I was still standing up there without making a sound I had to do something. Taking a deep breathe I began to sing the words that where living in my heart.

                        Hidden from actions was what it was…

                        Needed to be someone to you that I never lived up to…

                        I wanted to be your rock…

                        I wanted to hear your voice…

                        I wanted to be your everything, because you already where to me…

                        I guess I wanted too much…

                        Believe me when I say that I regret and that I look back…

                        When I do look forward I see you so rich in love…

                        I wanted to be somebody…

                        I wanted not to be alone…

                        But above all else I wanted to be that somebody that wasn’t alone with you

                        I guess I discovered that I blew my chance, didn’t take the shot…

                        But above all else what I discovered was how much I was in love with you.

            After my last word I dropped the mike and without a look into the crowd I walked out of there.

                        *                      *                      *                      *                      *

            My heart sprung with a kind of joy that I hadn’t felt in awhile at the sight of Squall. His handsome features had not changed except for his eyes which had seemed to grow even sadder then they where known to be before.

            During the ceremony I believed I gave an admirable attempt of not looking at him, but being so close to Squall I discovered that after all this time I really still ached for him. The ache grew so much worse when Seifer went up to speak, not a word he said was for his soldiers or me they where only for the better of himself. Which wasn’t a surprise to me, but it didn’t stop it from hurting me.

            When Squall sang his song his words cried into my own heart. Squall’s vulnerability at that moment and the way the words seemed to pour from his soul it made me discover something too and that was that I still loved him. Seifer laughed as Squall walked out of the quad. It took me every ounce of strength and sense that I had not to run after him. I was engaged to Seifer and for damn appearance sake alone I didn’t go after Squall.

            Galbadia and Trabia performers went as I remained seated. Once the garden performers where finished the band came out and started performing their own songs. The couples in the quad got up and started dancing sitting there I saw my opportunity. With everyone’s attention occupied I told Seifer I was going to the ladies room. Giving me a suspicious glance he didn’t say anything and I not waiting for an answer left.

            As if in auto-pilot I went directly to the gardens balcony. There I found Squall with his elbows hanging over the ledge. His light brown wavy hair was blowing with the cool breeze of the night.  I stood there watching him with great pain binding to my heart. Why didn’t he come for me three years ago? Now I was to marry Seifer and live a life that I didn’t want. Before I said anything to him Squall turned around our faces met and I saw the expression of surprise take over his face. I looked again at his eyes they did look sad, but they had not lost their tenderness. After a few emotional silenced moments I say to him with a deep sigh.

            “Hey, there handsome.”

What We Let Pass By

Ch. 3

Jealous Hearts

            When I told Squall to make the words come from his heart I thought that his heart would be leaning towards me. Instead, and deep down without surprise, it was leaning right at Rinoa the way it always has.

            When Squall walked out of the crowd I knew he needed his space so I waited until the SeeD’s from other garden had performed before I went to go speak to Squall. As I was leaving the band begun to play and people started dancing I hadn’t taken more then a few steps when a student from the Trepies came up to me and asked for a dance. Feeling too awkward to say no I accepted his offer and we danced for one song. Thanking the student for the delightful dance I hurried along looking for Squall. It took several tries before I found him on the balcony, but Squall wasn’t all I found on that balcony Rinoa Heartilly was there with him. Once again finding my self cut out by Rinoa I left the balcony back down to the infamous party that I had no desire for. As I stepped back to the quad and watched all the happy people that surrounded me I realized that the only thing that I desired was on that balcony.

                        *                      *                      *                      *                      *

            It was extremely difficult imagining me going back down to the ceremony. Feeling lost I stayed on the balcony looking out into the stars. The night sky at first glance seemed so chaotic and complex, but when you looked close and broke it all down you could somehow see a path through the crazy mass of stars. That’s how you made your way through the night sky.

            That’s what singing the song back in the quad felt to me. With so many emotions going on inside of me I picked a few and made them into my own path. I didn’t realize this while I was singing, but when I had finished I had a came into a startling realization to what I had just done and got the hell out of there.

            Sighing I looked one more time into the sky I saw a star fly across the horizon. Smiling at the thought that the star brought I turned around. I stepped back with surprise at the sight of Rinoa right there in front of me. Neither of us said anything we just stared right into each others eyes I was surprised at the emptiness that filled her usually vive rant eyes. Having a few more moments of silence pass us by Rinoa was the first to speak.

            “Hey, there handsome.”

            I didn’t say anything I was to overwhelm being that close to Rinoa again. She stood there impatiently waiting for me to say something. Finally breaking down Rinoa began to plead with me.

            “Squall please I need to hear you say something.”

 For the past three years I needed to hear Rinoa say something too, but now that she was right in front of me and speaking to me I didn’t know what I wanted to hear. Having the same feeling I had little while ago back on stage I knew I had to say something. After searching for the perfect words I irritably settled for.

            “How are you?”

            At my question Rinoa didn’t say anything, but instead looked like she was going to brake down. A tear began to roll down her cheek ashamed Rinoa turns away. I not knowing how to react stood there lamely as I always do. She turned back at me wide eyed and angry she asked me in a tone that sounded something like a hoarse whisper.

            “Why didn’t you come for me?”

            Something struck me that I never had thought of before… she didn’t know that I did come back. Why would Caraway or Seifer ever tell her I did? In deep thought I didn’t give Rinoa an answer which only irritated Rinoa.

            “Dammit Squall; I deserve a word from you.” Looking at her I knew that I had a great amount of words for her. Unfortunately only the cruel ones came out.

            “Why did you never come back?”

            “You knew I had obligations.”

            “You could have gotten away for a day or two?” Rinoa didn’t say anything to this. Breaking from our glare at each other I went back to leaning over the ledge and looking up into the stars. I could still feel her penetrating stare. Taking a deep breathe I asked the question that had been tugging at my heart for the past three years.

            “So… you and Seifer?” Was my way of asking why? Rinoa walks to the ledge standing next to me not staring at the sky, but at me she says.

            “He was around.” Not knowing in her answer if her intent was to hurt me or not I said.

            “Well that’s something.”

            “I suppose.” She sighs I could tell she was aching to tell me something, but I felt that it wasn’t my place to ask what it was so I waited. She went on “Things don’t always turn out the way you thought they would.”

            “Life sometimes plays like that,” I told her.

            “I thought life didn’t play that it was us that played life.” Her tone was sarcastic and the truth behind it was so real. We went quite again not knowing where to take the conversation. I had so many things that I wanted to tell her, but felt too ridiculous to say anything. Speaking of ridiculous Rinoa brought up the song I sang.

            “I liked your song,” She says.

            “It was stupid.”

            “No, it was really, really good.”

            “I’m not the one with the musical talent here.” Rinoa didn’t say anything to my reference to her mother and I wished I didn’t say it. After another awkward moment Rinoa lets it pass by and says.

            “I thought you would never go up there.”

            “It wasn’t exactly by choice.” She smiled at me. I began to ask “So how long are you going”- I was stopped by a familiar arrogant voice.

            “Nice performance Squall,” Seifer joked, but he couldn’t hide his note of resentment. I didn’t say anything only looked at Rinoa who seemed ashamed at her fiancée’s sudden appearance. Seifer turning to Rinoa says “Cids looking for you in the quad,” Rinoa with one last glance in my direction turns and leaves. Seifer and I where left on the balcony alone. Seifer didn’t move he seemed to be thinking unusually hard and when he was done he looked like he came to a conclusion that he didn’t like. Once this process was done he says to me.

            “So you came back.”

            I looked at Seifer he was trying to pull me into his trap, the same way he used to when we where little. I wasn’t going to let him get to me. “Eventually we all go back to something,” I told him.

            “Wasn’t daddy taking good enough care of ya?” Not feeling like I had to justify anything to Seifer I went to leave the balcony Seifer grabbed me by the arm and snarled.

            “This is the big stuff Squall. I need her so stay away.” I stared at Seifer I needed Rinoa too, but from the look in Seifer’s eyes he needed her in a different way. Pulling my arm from Seifer’s grip I left the balcony.

                        *                      *                      *                      *                      *

            I saw the two of them talking and I could feel the jealous serge run through me just like the way it did three years ago.

            I interrupted them and after Rinoa left I tried to play with Squall’s mind as always it didn’t seem to penetrate him, but inside I knew that I must have snagged something. Squall soon after mirrored Rinoa and left the balcony I remained there and did some thinking.

            I needed Rinoa, I needed her popularity, and I needed her for my big picture. I did feel something for the girl, but not enough to get in the way of my ambition. The only obstacle I saw in my eyes was Squall. The girl loved that guy, somehow. Squall still had it for her too and that could be dangerous.

            I gave in to a deep laugh that echoed into the night air. I’ll take care of that obstacle and reach my ambition. Squall Lionheart will never get the best of Seifer Almansy.

                        *                      *                      *                      *                      *

            I didn’t go back down to the ceremony I instead went straight to my dorm where I spent the rest of the night in sanctuary.

            The next morning I went down to the quad where I found everyone one cleaning up from the night before. I joined in there efforts setting my thoughts on Rinoa aside. Irvine the first to notice me asked.

            “Hey, man where did you go last night? Did you get lucky with some lady?” Everyone laughed except for Quistis and I. I simply replied to Irvine.

            “I needed to be alone.” No one said anything for I’m pretty sure they knew my reasons. We continued to clean a little later I asked them.

            “Are the other gardens still here?”

            “Galbadia’s garden is still outside ours, but Trabia left early this morning.” Quistis told me. I looked at Selphie.

            “You’re staying?” I asked Selphie who smiles.

            “Yap, is that alright?” I let my lips curve into a slight smile and nodded to Selphie. This was my home and these people are my friends I came to the realization as I was throwing something away. Dammit I hate it when Laguna’s right.

                        *                      *                      *                      *                      *

            I enjoyed seeing everyone. Headmaster Cid is such a kind man, but I could feel everyone else’s uneasiness towards me. I didn’t think it was because I’m a sorceress or even because I’m engaged to Seifer. I think they all held some level of resentment towards me because of what happened between Squall and I. It wasn’t only me, but they felt a high sense of loyalty towards Squall. Time had not changed that with them where I think it did towards me. I didn’t hold it against them it just made me sad.

            That night in bed Seifer and I didn’t say anything to each other. I wasn’t sure what he was thinking that was making him abnormally quiet, but I sure knew what was keeping me silent. How many times had I thought of Squall? Now he was only 10 minutes away and I yearned to go be with him, but the chains that bound me to Seifer kept me away. I didn’t truly understand why I stayed with Seifer. I know why I got back involved with him two years ago, but now I was so miserable and I knew he couldn’t be happy either. It burned me that I only was staying for political reasons it made me no better then my father or maybe it was because of him that I was staying, I suppose it didn’t matter either way. I felt as if I had to marry Seifer for the people not because I wanted to. I use to care about him very much and I still do done on some level, but the loving feeling faded awhile ago and spite had filled that void. It shouldn’t be like that. I shouldn’t marry someone for someone else. I needed to talk to Seifer gently I shook him calling out his name.

            “What!” he snapped turning to face me.

            “We need to talk.” I told him.

             “Not now we don’t.” he says and turned back over. I didn’t try to turn him towards me again, but I talked anyway.

            “Seifer, this isn’t the way things should be. This can’t honestly be the way you want it.” Seifer without turning to me replies.

            “It’s sufficient enough.”

            “Love shouldn’t have to be sufficient it should be whole.”

            Seifer getting angry sits up. Not looking at me, but rather the wall he says. “Things are different for us. We have obligations and ambitions that other people don’t have.”

            “That doesn’t change what love is and we just don’t have that love anymore,” I protested.

            “Did we ever have it!?” Seifer was yelling now. “Wasn’t I always to play second to him!?” I sat there quiet. “Love isn’t part of the equation for us. What we have to do is go on and finish what we started and you damn well better stick to it!”

            Even though Seifer’s tone was frightening I asked him anyway. “Can you live like that?”

            “Whatever means I have to do to reach the end I can live with,” was Seifer’s answer.

            Outraged I asked “Is all I am to you is a means?” Seifer didn’t say anything he just laid back down. “Seifer!” I persisted, but he remained quiet.

            I cried myself to sleep that night. I had made my mind set that tomorrow I was going to talk to Squall.

                        *                      *                      *                      *                      *

            Irvine was who started it; of course I had to retaliate. I threw the sponge back at him hitting him right on the back, when the sponge dropped you could see the wet mark that it left. From that point it was war everyone was rolling on there backs with laughter. Even I found myself smiling. We finished actually cleaning up later that afternoon. Planning to catch everyone for dinner we all separated except for Quistis and me. We went for a walk around the garden we had just passed the library when Quistis asked.

            “How can you tell me you didn’t miss this?”

            “I never said I didn’t,” I told her.

            “You never say anything. It’s only through your actions that anyone can tell anything from you and through your actions you made it seem like you didn’t, at least at first.”

            “I never mean to seem like anything.”

            “I know. I also know it must have been hard to come back to all this and how hard it must have been to see her again.” Quistis’ words brought a moment of silence between us which was broken by Quistis when she asked.

            “Do you still love her, Squall?” I was taken back by her question. I was too scared to even ask that question myself to have Quistis ask it blew me away. I didn’t reply to her questions not necessary because I didn’t want to, but because I didn’t have an answer. Quistis feeling the awkwardness that her question brought said to me.

            “I’m sorry I shouldn’t have asked. I just had seen you guys on the balcony last night and it left me curious.” After Quistis explaining herself I still didn’t say anything right away. Gathering my thoughts I finally said something.

            “It’s alright you don’t have to apologize.”

            “It’s none of my business I shouldn’t have asked.” I shook my head at her words.

            “No, I finally realize that I’m glad just to have who care enough to ask.”

            Quistis smiles “You’ve changed and I’m not just talking about last week.”

            “That’s another thing I realized,” I told her “I’m sick of being lonely. I might not be Mr. Socialize yet, but I’m working on it.”

            We reached the entrance to the garden. Quistis was right on my side we where shoulder to shoulder. I felt extremely uncomfortable being that close to her, but I didn’t want to say anything that would come off wrong so I decided not to say anything.

            Suddenly I saw someone come charging into the garden. It was a woman who was soaking wet her drenched jet black hair covered her face. When she brushed the hair from her face revealing herself facial feature I discovered that the woman was Rinoa! She was shaking from head to toe and her eyes looked lost as she looked around the garden before spotting me. She didn’t move toward me, but remained where she was shaking, she must have been freezing. Tired of waiting for her to come to me I jogged to her.

            “Rinoa what do you think your doing?”

            “I need,” she began then stopped.

            Hardly hearing Quistis say “I’ll leave you two alone,” I studied Rinoa. She was staring hard at me and once again she started to say.

            “I need…” Once again she had stopped there.

            “Rinoa,” I said trying to find out what she was wanted to say.

            “I can’t,” was what she said next. I hesitated before rubbing her shoulder in effort to warm her up. With my gesture she collapsed into my arms. I held her tight surprised that it didn’t feel uncomfortable at all, but natural.

            “Come on,” I said nudging her along. “Let’s warm you up.”

                        *                      *                      *                      *                      *

            Whenever anything got close between Squall and I she always got in the way. The only person presently who brought him any pain was the person that he loved. He did love her too, the look in his eyes when she saw her, there was no denying it.

            The resentment that filled my heart was turning bitter. Maybe I missed my chance with Squall, but I didn’t believe that. It was Rinoa who missed her chance and what made me resent her the most was she was the one who was getting the undeserved second chance.

            Like we planned we all met for dinner in the cafeteria when Squall didn’t show up Zell asked.

            “Where’s Squall?

            “With Rinoa,” I told them getting in line for a hotdog.

                        *                      *                      *                      *                      *

            I laid Rinoa down in my bed covering her with my blanket. She was still shivering with the warm covers on her and I was starting to think that she wasn’t shivering because she was cold.

            She looked beautiful with her wet hair hanging from her face. I sat down on the side of the bed waiting for her to talk. The first thing she said to me was.

            “It was raining.”

            I smiled swiping my hand through my hair. Rinoa looked at me intently.

            “It’s been along time since I’d seen you smile,” she continued to say “even before…” She stopped there turning the conversation around she said. “Thanks for the blankets and everything.”

            “Not a problem.” After I said that we went quiet again. Why was it always like this? When you want to say something so bad, but you can never find the words. Damn words!

            “Squall, it was good seeing you last night.”

            “You too,” was all I managed to reply.

            “I haven’t…I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it, have you?

            I didn’t know how to react towards this. No, I hadn’t been able to stop thinking about her, but…

            “I have to.”

            She turns away from me. “I suppose you have to and so do I. I hate the things I have to do!” She cried.

            “Being sorceress isn’t easy,” was all I could think to say. She looks back up at me.

            “Squall,” Rinoa said her voice was uneasy.

            “Yeah?” I asked

            “Despite what has happened do you ever wish that things didn’t turn out this way?” What I wished was I wish she didn’t ask that question. Everyday I wished things would have turned differently, but now she was engaged to Seifer. To me that was it regardless of what I felt.

            “At times,” I told her then went on “But I know what that would lead to so I try not to.”

            “Squall, things can’t be like this.”

            “Be like what?” I said confused. She looks from me down to herself.

            “Seifer, and I…it’s not what it should be.” I stand up looking away from her leaning my hands against my door.

            “Whatever trouble there is between you and Seifer is none of my business.” Rinoa moved so she was standing next to me putting her hand gently on my arm I jerk it away.

            “I can’t deal with this,” I said leaving the room.

                        *                      *                      *                      *                      *

            She was no where to be found. As much as it disappointed him it didn’t surprise him, but nor did it suppress his jealousy or anger. It only gave him the ambition to further his plans of the attack.

            Seifer went to the control center in the Galbadia garden his SeeD’s where waiting his orders.

            “Set course for Balamb garden,” he ordered. The Galbadia pilot gave Seifer a queer look.

            “What business do you have with Balamb?” The pilot asked. Seifer glares at the pilot.

            “Who are you, a pilot, to question my command?” The pilot fearing Seifer’s menacing glare set the Galbadia garden for Balamb. With the pilot doing so Seifer walks to the loud speaker clicking it on he announces to his garden.

            “SeeD’s of Galbadia garden be prepared for battle, where attacking the Balamb garden.”

                        *                      *                      *                      *                      *

            I couldn’t let her get to me. Not only could it destroy the world, but it would for sure destroy my heart. Either way I couldn’t let it happen. This time Seifer you win.

            Somberly I walked down to the cafeteria where I joined everyone in eating hotdogs. I was sure Quistis told them about Rinoa’s arrival. Being the fantastic friends that they where they left me alone. I thought to myself as I watched them chatter away that I never told them how truly great people they are. Three years never changed that. I knew they deserved to hear that I just wished I had the open enough heart at one time to tell them. I continued to listen to there laughter.

            “Then Irvine thinking the woman was me gave her a great big kiss smack dab on the lips.” With Selphie finishing her story everyone roared with laughter. Irvine jokes with Selphie.

            “Who said anything about me thinking it was you?”

            “Unless you have a thing for fifty-year old Liberians that I should know about...” Selphie put in making everyone laugh even harder and having the effect of making Irvine turn a bright shade of red. Irvine trying to take some of the embarrassing attention off him asked me.

            “What are you pondering so hard about over there?” Everyone knew perfectly what I was thinking about so I lamely answered.

            “This and that,” Irvine gives me a mischievous grin.

            “Cheer up old boy things aren’t always going to be this complicated.” Glaring at Irvine I say under my breathe.

            “They are for me.” Just then the garden furiously shakes. If we weren’t hovering I would have thought it to be an earthquake. A voice suddenly came from the loudspeaker it was headmaster Cid.

            “Everyone please remain calm. We are under attack by the Galbadia garden,” we all looked at each other while continuing to listen to the headmaster. “I want all SeeD members with even ID numbers to report to the quad. Evens go directly to the front entrance. Students remain in your classrooms. Squall and Quistis report immediately to my office.” There was a pause then we heard the headmaster’s finishing remarks. “Will the strength of Bahumat be with us all.” When we heard the click of the loud speaker turning off Quistis says to everyone.

            “Squall and I will catch up with you guys later.” She runs towards Cid’s office I, however, ran the other way. Quistis turning in my direction yells at me.

            “Where the hell do you think your going!?” I didn’t answer I only continued my way to Rinoa hearing Quistis’ words of frustration as I ran.

            “Damn you Squall!” Maybe Quistis’ words would be true in the end, but for now at that moment all I knew was Rinoa.

                        *                      *                      *                      *                      *

            What was I thinking? Squall wasn’t one to make the same mistake twice. I was probably his biggest mistake. Squall had once told me the reason why he was afraid of getting close to anyone or thing was he was afraid of loosing it. Afraid if putting himself too much into something and then loosing it all, looking back at the past three years I thought maybe Squall had it right in the beginning.

            I had my hand on Squall’s doorknob about to leave his room when I felt a great jolt. Falling down on the ground I got back up a little shaken. “What In the world could that be?” I said right before Cid’s announcement came on. After hearing what Cid had said I fell back down on the ground and not because the ground was shaking, but at my own devastation.

            Galbadia was attacking the garden; Seifer was attacking Squall, both where because of me. This couldn’t be happening I was sorceress I wouldn’t allow it. Realizing suddenly how little I could do about it made me feel small and powerless.

            The doors to Squall’s room suddenly flew open and Galbadia soldiers stormed in.

            “You’re coming with us Sorceress,” one of the soldiers said, but just then another voice spoke broke in,

            “Over my dead body,” It was Squall. After quickly taking out the soldiers Squall runs to me.

            “Squall”- I began, but was interrupted by the man whose name I just called.

            “No, time for kind words I got to get you out of here!” Grabbing my arm he pulls me to the doorway of his room. Peaking around both corners he indicates to me with the glare of his eyes that it was clear. We continued forward making it all the way to the main entrance when an all too familiar figure broads over us.

            “Oh aren’t you two a darling couple,” the voice of Seifer snarls. Before Squall even had time to react Seifer throws a sleeping powder on the both of us. With my last sight before I fell asleep being the struggle of Squall trying to stay conscious long enough to draw his gunblade I let the blackness of sleep overcome me…

What We Let Pass By

Ch. 4

Decisions That Determine

          Things where fuzzy as I tried opening my eyes nothing seemed to focus. After a few attempts I was successful and my surroundings came into clear view.

            Rinoa was beside me cradling me in her arms. She looked at me uncomfortly as I quickly escaped her arms.

“Sorry,” she told me looking down at her lap. I could see Rinoa’s pain as she stared at me. I could hardly withhold my own pain how I wanted…stop it, I yelled inside my head I couldn’t think like that. Regardless, Rinoa was still kneeling there aching for comfort. I kneeled beside her looking directly into her hazy brown eyes. Contemplating what I should say to her I carefully choose my words.

            “You are alright, aren’t you Rinoa?” Tears began to flow down her cheek. How those tears use to irritate me? Now I think they where the most beautiful thing that I had ever seen. Not able to stop myself any longer I held Rinoa in my arms. She clung to my chest as if she was going to fall from a cliff, but I didn’t mind.

            “Squall,” she cried sniffling back tears.

            “Yes Rinoa?” The only thing at the moment that I wanted to hear was Rinoa’s words.

            “I can’t marry him,” the words hung there with nobody wanting to grab them. I didn’t know how to react the only thing I was able to do was hold her tighter. Setting my cheek against her soft black hair I was able to find the words.

            “Things are always going to be complicated. I think you can’t avoid that no matter where you run away to or who you run away from. What I know is Rinoa with you things where always complicated, but unlike with anyone else when I was with you I didn’t care how complicated things got. Now no matter what happens I hope you remember that and…” My words where stopped as Rinoa swiftly moved my head so we where face to face and she kissed me. What I would give to be right here with Rinoa for the rest of my life. I gently pulled away from Rinoa not loosing eye contact with here. In hardly a whisper I hear Rinoa say.

            “I love you.”

            Keeping her words close to my heart I ever so gently kissed her on the forehead. “I love you too,” I whispered back.

            With our foreheads leaning against each other we kneeled there. Neither of us wanting the moment to end, I felt Rinoa swallowing hard before she says.

            “I’m not going to marry him.” I looked at her; she had so much at stake. Still leaning against her I said.

            “What you have to do is more important then you and me Rinoa.” The words where like acid coming out of my mouth.

            “I can’t, I won’t!” Rinoa had here eyes focused on me with such determination that no guardian force would dare get in her way. Earnestly she looks up at me “How could I?” She and I cling to each other one last time before the cell door opens.

            Realization came at me full force when I suddenly remembered why we where here and what was happening at the garden right before I blacked out. Neither Rinoa nor I bothered to let go of each other. Seifer, who had just stepped into the cell, had never looked so venomous when he said.

            “The two lovers together again, it almost makes me want to kill myself.” Seifer quickly draws out his gunblade forcing the tip of the blade against my neck. “But instead I think I’ll just kill you.”

            Rinoa with her arms wrapped around me yells “Don’t Seifer!”

            “Oh, I’m so sorry Rinoa if I your fiancée em getting in the way!” Seifer yelled back at Rinoa sarcastically. Rinoa glares at Seifer without yelling, but defiantly with authority she says to him.

            “I’m not letting life play me anymore. I’m not going to marry you Seifer.”

            I thought Seifer would go into an outrage at Rinoa’s words. Instead he says very calmly with his arrogant smile spread across his face “Once again Rinoa because with both those cases you don’t have a choice.” With a snap from Seifer’s fingers a group of Galbadian soldiers came in the cell. “Take her away,” he ordered. Obediently the soldiers grabbed Rinoa.

            “No,” I said trying to stand up, but the point of Seifer’s gunblade kept me on my knees. I desperately looked at Rinoa. Her eyes where glowing with the same desperation that I was looking at her with. She mouthed the words “I love you,” just as the soldiers actually dragged her out of the cell. With Rinoa gone I turned my attention to Seifer. Catching the sequence between Rinoa and I Seifer’s arrogant smile had turned into a bitter frown. I felt his gunblade press hard into my throat.

            “You won’t win her.” Seifer snarled.

            “She’s not something to be won,” I snarled back. Seifer moved his gunblade from my throat and with a fierce slash pierced his blade across my chest. Pressing my hand against the wound I saw blood dribble down my hand. Seifer without so much as a glance at me turns to leave, only stopping at the doorway of the cell to say.

            “Rinoa has obligations to this country that where all aware of. Who do you think the country wants at their sorceress’s side a triumphant Galbadian general or a sellout SeeD?”

            “What about who Rinoa wants on her side?” I asked. Seifer not answering leaves.

                        *                      *                      *                      *                      *

            The havoc that the Galbadians’s attack caused was over, but the destructions that they wreaked remained. “Damn you Squall Lionheart,” I said under my breathe. The Balamb garden put up a good fight and where able to hold the Galbadians off, nevertheless, there were still disastrous results. I forced myself to walk through the garden. Seeing all the fallen Balamb SeeD’s crushed my heart and I again cursed Squall’s name. What did she ever do to deserve Squall’s heart? I asked myself. Time and again he’s put his life and his heart on the line for her and what has he received in return, nothing but heartache. I’ve heard it been said before, but I’ve failed to believe it until now. Rinoa Heartilly was a witch. Now Squall and that witch where missing. Zell, Selphie, Irvine and myself have searched the garden and found no signs of either of them. Now as I was walking around the garden I prayed that that one of these fallen bodies wasn’t Squall, even though I knew in my heart that they wouldn’t be. He was somewhere, somewhere with Rinoa Heartilly.

            The loud speaker came on when I was speaking to a group of Trepies. It was Xu “Quistis please report to headmaster Cid’s office,” Xu repeated her message then clicked off. I left the flustered Trepies with some words of encouragement and then did what I was told by going to the headmaster’s office.

            Waiting in his office was the headmaster along with Xu, Zell, Selphie and Irvine. I didn’t need to be a mind reader to tell that something was up. I looked at them and without even having to ask they explained.

            “We think we know where Squall is.” Xu told me.

            “Where, how do you know?” I was becoming even more flustered then the Trepies at the news.

            Xu went further into detail “There was an incoming message from Calaway’s mansion. The speaker told us that Squall was being held captive at the Desert Prison.”

            “It was Rinoa,” Selphie chimed in as if Rinoa was some hero.

            “We don’t know that for sure,” Xu reasoned.

            “And even if it was Rinoa how do we know that she’s not trying to cleverly set us up.” What sounded reasonable to me sounded up surd to everyone else.

            “You think Rinoa would do that?” Zell asked.

            “I haven’t really talked to Rinoa in three years I don’t know what she’s actually capable of doing. I mean who thought she would be marring Seifer?”

            I gave everyone a moment to contemplate this before I went on. “Nevertheless, if it’s said that Squall is at the Desert Prison then Desert Prison we shall go.” Everyone stands up with agreement. “Let’s go,” I told them.

                        *                      *                      *                      *                      *

            I flicked a pebble across the cell floor. What did Seifer have in mind? What was he planning on doing with me? More importantly what was he going to do with Rinoa? I slammed my fist against the ground. The only thing he ever feared about Seifer was his anger and what he do because of that anger. Right now I was terrified at what he might do to Rinoa because of that very anger. “Dammit!” I yelled. I hated being so helpless locked up in this god damn cell!

            I stood up and banged my body against the door with no surprise I had little prevail. My chest still burned with pain where Seifer had slashed me. The guards by my door just snickered at my attempt. Collapsing to the ground I did something that I wasn’t accustomed to…I prayed. I didn’t know who I was praying to it could have been a god, a guardian, Ellone even my mother. It didn’t matter who it was I only wanted someone to listen to my plea for an escape.

            As if for some miraculous reason my prays where answered. I heard a scrimmage right outside my door. I watched as my cell door opens and a small figure comes in. The shadows of the cell made it hard to recognize who it was, but there was no need for her voice said it all.

            “Hiya Squall,” it was Selphie. She stepped forward revealing herself along with her was Quistis, Zell and Irvine they where all beaming down at me.

            “You guys!” I exclaimed standing up. As much as I was pleased to see them there sight confused me. “How did you guys know I was here?” I thought about it for a second before asking them another question. “Where am I?”

            Quistis like always took charge and answered my questions. She who always carried bandages took care of my wound on my chest quickly before answering my questions. “Were in the Desert Prison, someone one a left message telling us that you be here,” she seemed to hesitate for a moment before continuing “The message came from Calaway’s mansion.”

            “Rinoa,” I cried gathering my thoughts. I say to everyone.

            “Thank you for rescuing me, but now I’m going to Calaway’s mansion. You can all come if you want.”

            “Squall,” Quistis began to ask “Are you sure that you want to do that?” I looked Quistis straight in the eye.

            “Three years ago I made the mistake of letting Rinoa go, I’m not about to make the same mistake again.” I told her firmly. Quistis looks down at the ground and nods. I looked up at Irvine who had just tossed me my gunblade.

            “I thought you might be needing this so I snatched it on our way to your cell.” I nod at Irvine as my way of saying thank you, he understood. Feeling a powerful pat on the back I looked at Zell.

            “So let’s go get your lady,” he told me. I look at everyone.

            “Everyone’s coming?” I asked. Selphie pretends to look shocked when she says.

            “You don’t think where going to let you get Rinoa by yourself did ya? We want her back too?”

            “Yeah man like the six of us back together is the way it should be,” Irvine put in.

            I look at Quistis who had finally taken her glare from off the floor and was now glaring at me. “What are we waiting for?” she asked. Breaking into a small smile I say.

            “Nothing, let’s go get Rinoa.”

                        *                      *                      *                      *                      *

            I had just finished calling Balamb Garden, trying to keep my voice in a whisper I told them where Squall was. God I hoped they got to him.

            I went back to the living room where Seifer and my father where waiting. I stiffly sat on the couch across from them. How I loathed them both. Neither ever had concerns for my own well being, whatever that they did that concerned me was only for the better of themselves. They both said with Seifer and I married it would unite the country. I used to believe that, I wanted to, no I needed to. It was because I needed to fill the void that Squall left within me. I guess it was for my own benefit, but to unite the country sounded wonderful. Now I know that two people can’t unite a country with only the power of their names alone. I realize now that I was just being delusional. It also made me realize how much I was being used.

            The elections for a new president of Deling City where coming. With the sudden and unexpected death of the cities last president, Fredrick LaDelle, the city was without a leader. The two leading candidates where LaDelle’s son and Seifer, with Seifer’s connections to the ever growing popular sorceress his chances for being elected where heighten and my father who was now in cahoots with Seifer would benefit from his presidency. Oh how I loathed it all.

            “Why must we sit here together?” I asked. It was my father who choose to answer.

            “Because, Rinoa we need to talk.” Every word that the man said irritated me. “I think your forgetting your obligations to this country.” He continued.

            “You mean my obligations to you,” I spat at both him and Seifer.

            “Well, you have committed yourself to Seifer,” Seifer not liking having my old-man stand up for him stepped in.

            “Forget the commitment you made to me,” he told me “Think about the one I made to you.”

            “What, you mean your commitment to increase your chances of presidency? I asked sarcastically.

            “That’s not how it started,” he told me with sincerity. I had to look away from him. That’s how it did start, but now…As if Seifer was reading my mind he said.

            “Just because Squalls back in your life doesn’t mean he’s going to stay there. He’s going to abandon you and you’ll be wishing you where with me because you know that I never leave you,” I sank deeper into the couch. As many faults as Seifer had the fact remained that he was there he always has been.

            Where Seifer reached my emotional side my father went to my practical.

            “You know the hard times that’s between Galbadia, Timber and Esthar and you know better then anyone the peace that you bring between the three.”

            “Not Esthar,” I told him “Not when the president there is Squall’s father.” I was grateful for the silence that my words brought. Seeing where my father failed in trying to reach my practical side, Seifer made one last lounge at my emotions. Going across the room and sitting next to me he says.

            “As much as things blow right now you can’t think things will stay like this forever,” Without me saying anything Seifer grabs my chin cocking it towards himself. We where looking directly at each other when Seifer says. “Despite all that has happened I know you won’t throw it away.”

            At that moment I didn’t look deep into my soul, but at only the surface. Where I wouldn’t be much help with created peace with Esthar I knew Seifer and I together could patch things together between Galbadia and Esthar, and who knows what that could lead to. As for Seifer and I he was right, things might be bad now, but it could change. I couldn’t throw away the past and all the times when I needed Squall and Seifer was there. Squall… my heart ached at the name. It wasn’t fair what happened between us, but I had made it anyway the past three years. As much as I hated it I had come up with my answer.

            “I’ll see you later at the palace Seifer,” I left the two of them there both of them wearing grins. I went to the Deling City where I had a few drinks. Sitting at the piano that my mother use to play at I made a toast.

            “To the next miserable years,” Is said to myself setting down my glass and starting my way back to the Sorceresses’ Palace.

                        *                      *                      *                      *                      *

            The escape from Desert Prison wasn’t as difficult as it was three years ago. Nevertheless, I was breathing heavily as we made it to the desert and approached the Raganorak. Once situated on the ship and able to catch our breathe Selphie goes immediately to the drivers seat of the ship.

            “To Calaway’s then?” she asked.

            “Absolutely,” I said. With that we where gone from the desert and landed in Deling city minutes later.

            Once in Deling City I sprinted to Calaway’s mansion. Ringing the doorbell the same servant from three years ago came to the door. He looked at me for only a moment before he asked.

            “May I help you?”

            “I want to see Rinoa!” I ordered, but the servant wasn’t about to take orders from me.

            “That’s impossible at the moment I’m afraid Miss Heartilly left not too long ago.”

            “Then I want to see Calaway.”

            By now the others had caught up and joined me at Calaway’s door. They all listened with me to the servants reply.

            “Master Calaway has told me he wants no disturbances. He is doing something rather important at the moment so if you don’t mind.” The servant moved to shut the door, but Irvine’s hand got in the way and he began to protest.

            “What’s he doing that’s so important?”

            “I’m afraid that’s none of your business sir,” The servant tried closing the door again. Zell having none of that flung the door open sending the servant to the floor. With clenched fist at the servant Zell yells.

            “Don’t make us make it our business!”

            Just then a deep powerful voice came from within the house. “What is the matter?” the voice asked as he stepped forward to the doorway, it was Calaway himself. He looked at us as if we where some sort of insignificant beings. Still with his meaningful stare he says.

            “What do you SeeD’s want?”

            “I want Rinoa! I not only declared that to Calaway, but to myself.

            “Well you just missed her, she left to go back to the palace a hour or so ago.”

            Back to the palace? I thought to myself. Calaway seeing my confused state decided to play on it.

            “Rinoa, Seifer and myself had a long talk and she came to realize what’s important to the country and herself. She and Seifer are at the palace right now discussing wedding plans.”

            As Calaway was telling me this I felt my heart clench. “I still want to see her I,” I told him.

            “Are you sure? I’m remembering writing you a note a few years ago. How did that go?”

            I stood there not knowing where to turn. Then as his last remarks Calaway says “Rinoa has made her decision and it’s one for the best. Someday son you’ll realize that.” With that Calaway shut the door.

            The five of us stood there. There wasn’t anything I could do. Zell putting his hand on my shoulder says.

            “We can still break into the palace.” I give a hard shrug throwing Zell’s hand off my shoulder.

            “No,” I said “I’m tired of playing this way.”

            “So you’re just going to let her go? Just let her pass by?” Irvine asked.

            “I’ve been doing it for the past three years “I’ve gotten pretty damn good at it!”

            Everyone just looks at me not knowing what to say or do “Come on,” I told them finally lowering the fury in my voice. “Let’s go home.”

What We Let Pass By

Ch. 5

There

          On our way back to Balamb I studied Squall. I couldn’t tell if he was angry or sad, hurt or jealous. I used to wonder why he acted the way he did. Now I knew, things like this always happened to him. Whenever he was somewhere close to happiness it was taken away from him.

            I stood next to the brooding Squall. I would never leave him, how come he doesn’t realize that?

            The Ragonark pulled up to Balamb. Without a word to any of us Squall stomps off.

                        *                      *                      *                      *                      *

            I hated it, I couldn’t stand it, I despised it when I couldn’t control my emotions and at the moment they where about to boil over.

            I stepped off the Ragonark and stormed to the garden. I didn’t want any of my friends to see me right now. When I walked into the garden I discovered that I had entered some sort of convention, in the entrance to the garden where hundreds of SeeDs and students. At the top of the stairs speaking was Xu.

            “Until general Quistis comes back there nothing that I can do,” Xu informed the crowd.

            “Those Galbadian basterds deserve to pay!” I heard someone shout from the crowd.

            “I agree,” Xu said “but we”- she was cut off from another shout.

            “My best friend was killed!”

            “We just have to wait till,” Xu was cut off again, but this time by Quistis.

            “Xu, I’m here. I’ll handle this,” the crowd made a path for Quistis to walk through everyone watched as she joined Xu at the top of the steps.

            “Balamb,” Quistis addressed the crowd. “Galbadia has for the last time misused our trust. Believe when I say those basterds will pay.” I listened as the crowd roared with emotion at Quistis’ words, Quistis motions for the crowd to quiet which they obeyed immediately. From there she continues “I will fight, but I only will be able to lead you so far. This is my fight, but it’s not my war. There can only be one true leader for this battle and that leader is Squall Lionheart.” I watched as everyone turns to me. What was Quistis talking about? My war since when, I barely counted myself a SeeD. Quistis walks down the stairs and stands next to me.

            “I’m resigning from general,” Quistis told the crowd only giving them a few seconds to react. “As my last act as general I’m promoting Squall as our new general.” Everyone completely shocked looked at Quistis, including myself. Quistis gently put her hand on my shoulder staring only at me she says.

            “This isn’t my war Squall, it never was and you know it.” I nod understanding. I looked at the path that the crowd made for me just like the one that they made for Quistis. Slowly I began to walk through, hesitating only once to throw a look back at Quistis who nodded. I then continued my way till I was on top of the stairs next to Xu who pats me on the back.

            “It’s all yours general,” she told me.

            I looked around the crowd and now standing in front was Quistis, Zell, Selphie and Irvine supporting me like they always have. At that moment I knew this was where I was suppose to be and even though a big piece was still missing in my heart I had never felt so whole. Taking a deep breathe I began speaking to the crowd.

            “We tried to unite with Galbadia, right? After all where all SeeD’s,” I said that last part sarcastically. “Well to hell with that!” The crowd roars the same way it did with Quistis. “Officially right now Balamb Garden has declared war on Galbadia!” Leaving it at that I stepped down that stairs where I joined my friends. They all gave me encouraging smiles and pats on the back.

            “Now what do we do?” Zell asked.

            Sternly I tell him “Prepare for war.”

                        *                      *                      *                      *                      *

            Seifer had just left with Rajiin and Fujin to take care of some “business.” We hadn’t had a chance to talk since I left my fathers. I told him I really needed to be with someone right now, but he just disregarded my feelings in his Seifer way.

            “Rinoa, we have to take care of some business. I promise we’ll talk when I get back.”

            “What do you have to take care of thats suddenly so important?”

            “Something Rinoa, okay?”

            “No, please Seifer,” I grabbed his arm. Looking like he was deciding something he suddenly shakes my hands off his arm. “We’ll be back soon.” With that he left.

            He always be there, the irony of Seifer’s departure was funny to me. In my palace I sat around knowing that Seifer’s “Business” had something to do with Balamb garden and Squall, because neither would let Seifer and his Galbadian garden get away with what they did.

            I was sitting in my office contemplating when I heard a knock on my door. It was my father, telling him to come in I adjusted myself in my seat feeling a little uncomfortable by his presents. He came in and sat down in the chair across from my desk where I was sitting. There was silence between the two of us.

            I never understood my father’s motives with Seifer. I guess I simply never cared enough to ask. Now that it was just the two of us with really nothing more to talk about I didn’t let the opportunity pass me by.

            “Why do you want me to be with Seifer so bad? What political scam do you have up your sleeve?” Whatever answer I was expecting from him it was far from the one he gave me.

            “Rinoa, I’m getting old,” I gave him a queer look as he continued. “I just want to know that someone will be here to take care of you when I’m gone.” I looked at him with my mouth hanging open. I wasn’t even capable at the moment to responding to him.

            “I know that Almansy isn’t your prince charming, but he will be here with you.”

            “Do you really want me to be with someone like Seifer?” I managed to ask. He took a moment before responding.

            “That Lionheart isn’t who I imagined you with and it worries me that he’s a SeeD.” My father was referring to what SeeD’s true purpose was, destroy the sorceress. I listened to my father continue. “Your so vive rant and alive just like your mother Lionheart, however, he’s…he’s…”

            “Like you,” I finished his sentence for him watching my father nod.

            “He is in some ways like you,” I told him walking over so I was standing next to his chair “But yet your completely opposites. Squall needed me and I needed him. You and Seifer aren’t needy people, but Squall as much as he tried to deny it was. It’s that need that made me love him.”

            “You make love sound pass tense.”

            “I kinda have to now,” He looks at me and with a deep sigh he says.

            “You know Rinoa he did come for you.” I looked at my father.

            “Three years ago, just a couple days after you returned to Deling City Lionheart came to the mansion asking for a pass to see you. I didn’t want to give it to him you had just came back and I was afraid he was going to take you away again, but he was so determined to see you I thought it was futile to try so I gave him the pass.”

            I took everything my father said in, once thinking it over I asked. “But if he did come how was it that I never saw him?”

            “Seifer saw him first,” was my fathers answer.

            “What would that matter?”

            “I’m not sure what words where exchanged between the two, but whatever Seifer said it was enough to make Lionheart leave.”

            I swallowed it all in disbelief. So he did come. I watched as my father got up from his seat and stood next to me putting his hand on my shoulder.

            “I should have told you.”

            “It’s alright,” I consoled.

            With one last sigh the old general said to me. “Go get him.”

            “What?”

            “Go get your prince charming.”

            I got up and flung my arms around him “Oh daddy!” I wailed as I gave him a big kiss on the forehead. With a smile I left him……

            The old general watched as his daughter left him happily. So this Squall was who made his daughter happy he thought to himself. He suddenly felt a wave of guilt splash over him for keeping that happiness away from hi daughter for so many years.

                        *                      *                      *                      *                      *

            I was told to report to the headmaster’s office. This time I actually did. He was alone in his office when I came in. I didn’t take a seat, but stood there before him waiting for the headmaster to address me.

            “So you the new general,” it was more a statement then a question.

            “Yes sir.”

            The headmaster smiles “I’m glad. Don’t you get me wrong Quistis made a fine general, but she’s right this is your war.”

            I didn’t react to the headmasters words merely stood there. The headmaster chuckled.

            “Squall when are you going to realize that you can’t always take things so seriously?” Irritated by the headmasters comments I say to him.

            “Were about to go into war, sir, this isn’t something that should be taken lightly.”

            “Very true, but remember why we fight in the first place?”

            With actual curiosity I asked. “Why do we fight sir?”

            “I thought you of all people would have learned that by know Squall,” I shamefully shake my head. “Why to protect those we love.” He told me.

            “Then why have SeeD? Why disperse us around the country to fight other people’s problems? That’s not protecting the people we love.”

            The headmaster took my questions very seriously when he answered “SeeD are two-faced. We have our good side and our bad. It be hypercritical to preach against wars when often were the one’s creating them.”

            “Then why?”

            “Because bottom line when things get rough were there.”

 Without another word the headmaster dismissed me. Despite having left his office his final words stuck to me, were there, it was funny because that was the very thing that Rinoa accused me of not being, “There.”

Leaving Cid’s I ran into Zell who was looking for me.

“Hey Squall; Quistis wants you at the loudspeaker.”

“Thanks,” I said changing my direction to the loudspeaker. Zell was still with me.

“Squall?” he asked.

“Yes.”

“Were friends right?”

I stopped the question caught me off-guard. Looking back at Zell I asked him “Why would you ask that?”

“Err…it’s just you always seem annoyed by me. I don’t know I feel stupid even askin, but…” he stopped there. I felt bad; here Zell thought I didn’t like him when it was the exact opposite.

“Zell, you are one of my best friends you always have been. I’m just sorry I’ve never told you before.” I gave him an unaccustomed pat on the back which made Zell beam.

“Really Squall? You’re like my best friend too.”

As corny as it all may have sounded it felt good to get it out. I reminded myself to tell Quistis, Selphie and Irvine what I told Zell.

Zell and I made it to the loudspeaker where Quistis was waiting along with Selphie and Irvine.

“Your SeeD’s are waiting.” Quistis told me. I didn’t like it that she called them “my” SeeD’s, nevertheless, I turned the loudspeaker on.

“Balamb this is Squall. I suppose there’s a lot that could be said, but I’m going to leave it unsaid. Everyone’s fighting for their own reasons, but we all have the same bottom line and that is when things get rough were all there for each other. So I guess what I really want to say to all of you is good luck everyone fight hard, fight strong, but please don’t forget what you’re fighting for.” I clicked off the loudspeaker.”

“That’s good stuff Squall,” Irvine smiled.

“It sounds like you never stop being general,” Quistis told me.

“Maybe in my heart I never did,” I told her. I then turned to Nida, the Balamb pilot, who was standing there waiting. “Set course for the Galbadia garden.” I commanded.

*                        *                      *                      *                      *

            The garden was set for defense and even though Balamb had yet to show any signs of attacking I knew it be best if we where ready. The Galbadian garden was displeased with me for attacking Balamb in the first place. My political status was going down fast. The only comforting thought I had at the moment was knowing that Rinoa was at the palace waiting for me.

            Through my own thoughts I heard my pilot yell.

            “There coming!”

            I quickly clicked on the loudspeaker. “Battle stations everyone!” I shouted over the loudspeaker before turning it off. I hung on to a rail as Balamb garden collided with us.

                        *                      *                      *                      *                      *

            We crashed directly into Galbadia “Again!” I yelled to Nida, who did just that. This time the collision left an opening in the Galbadian garden.

            “Come on!” I yelled to my friends waving my gunblade, with them following we charged to the Galbadian garden. Gaining crowds of Balamb SeeD’s as we ran.

            Through the Galbadian’s we went with our resentment and determination leading the way.

            When we arrived in their garden Irvine joked “Haven’t we done this before?”

            Ignoring Irvine’s comment we moved further into the garden managing the Galbadians that dared go cross our path. I didn’t know what the others where looking for, but there was only one destination for me, Seifer. It wasn’t long before I met that destination.

            “Oh it’s so heart warming to see you all together again…wait a minute… no I lied it really isn’t all that heart warming.” We had met Seifer and he looked just as resentful and determined as us.

            “This is where your guy’s reunion is going to end,” Seifer says as he lifts up his gunblade releasing it with full force towards my head. With a clash his gunblade collided with mine.

            As everyone gathered around Seifer with their weapons out Seifer snarls.

            “What don’t have enough balls to take me on alone Squall?”

            I waved with my hand for everyone to back off, which they all did. Turning to Seifer I say.

            “Hope you’re ready to dance Seifer?”

            “The only dancing I’m going to be doing is dancing away with Rinoa.” At Seifer’s reply I go for the strike which Seifer easily defended.

            “Squall did you honestly think Rinoa was going to pick you?” Not saying anything I striked again.

            “Squall you old-boy, why would you want to be with Rinoa? You’re not exactly a people person and you’re nothing alike.” I striked again several more times before I answered.

            “Because I love her,” Seifer stared at me and I stared back as Seifer was catching his breathe.

            “How dare you.” Seifer finally said going on a rampage against me. Strike after strike all in which I defended. When Seifer stopped to catch his breathe I asked.

            “Do you love her Seifer?”

            Seifer glaring at me says “I’m not answering to you Squall.” At Seifer’s last words I threw down my gunblade. Everyone, including Seifer looks at me with disbelief.

            “What the hell do you think your doing?” Seifer asked to astonished to strike.

            “Seifer, I’m realizing that what it comes down to for me is I just want her to be happy.” Seifer takes a moment before answering.

            “She’s not going to be happy with me. I was never who she wanted to be with, but I really don’t give a damn about what she wants. I know what I want and the only thing getting in the way of what I want is you!” Seifer goes for another strike for what I thought would be my final blow when Zell jumps up taking in the stomach Seifer’s gunblade.

            “NOOOO!!!” I yelled catching Zell as he was falling to the ground. Seifer pulled back his gunblade watching the blood drip from it. I looked down at Zell who was trying to keep his eyes open. Desperately I say to Zell.

            “Hang on buddy we’ll get you back to the garden and everything will be alright.”

            “Squall,” I felt Zell grab my arm with all his remaining strength “I’m glad you came back.” After that I watch as Zell’s eyes flutter open and close until they where just closed…..

            “Zell…..Zell buddy, come on.” Zell wasn’t responding he wasn’t dead, but just barely hanging on. I hear Selphie’s crying and looked to see the tears rolling down Quistis and Irvine’s faces they where the tears of almost losing a friend. I then shot a look at Seifer. I didn’t know what I was expecting remorse, tears, angry…, but never even from Seifer did I expect what I saw. Seifer was smiling. Seifer catching my stare locked his eyes on mine and with a laugh said.

            “Looks like the chicken-wuss met the ends I always knew he would…death by my blade.” At Seifer’s words at once Quistis, Selphie and Irvine all lounged for Seifer, but I caught them all. Picking back up my gunblade I said to them.

            “This is my war let me finish it!” They all dutifully back off, but I missed my chance by now Galbadian SeeDs where gathering. Seifer begins to walk away shouting back at us.

            “I’ll be catchin you guys later!” I ran after him only to have dozens of Galbadians pushing me back. We fought through them, but it was too late Seifer was no where to be found.

            “Dammit!!!” I yelled and punched the wall. I began to shake uncontrollable. I was suppressed with so many emotions at the moment that I couldn’t control it any longer. It took Quistis’ guiding hand on my shoulder to control my madness.

            “Squall, come on lets go home.”

            “But, but Seifer he”- I started, but was cut off by Quistis.

            “Seifer will be taken care of, but now there’s other things to take care of, like Zell…” I throw my head down and nod.

            “Let’s take care of that,” I said running back to Zell.

                        *                      *                      *                      *                      *

            Upon arriving at Balamb I had a terrible feeling which only worsened as I drew closer to the garden. I walked in the garden to find it in suddle turmoil. It wasn’t chaos, but everyone that I had seen seemed to be lost. Right away I knew what must have happened, but I still hoped that it wasn’t the case.

            Walking a little further I literally ran into Quistis. She also had that lost look on her face, but she also seemed to be carrying a level of anger and sadness that all the people around her where not. With us both stopped in front of each other I asked.

            “Quistis what’s wrong?”

            There’s something about you Rinoa Heartilly,” was Quistis’ reply.

            I gave her a queer look “What are you talking about Quistis?”

            “Things just sort of happen to you and you just shrug it off not caring about who you might actually be shrugging off.”

            “Quistis please,” I was confused and a little hurt by what she was saying. Quistis loosing it yells at me.

            “What the hell are you even doing here Rinoa!?” You don’t belong here?”

            Stepping back from her I gain enough composure to ask “Do you know where I can find Squall?” Quistis giving me a sharp glare tells me.

            “He’s probably in the infirmary.”

            Her words terrified me “Infirmary?” I asked “What happened, is he alright?” I was holding my breathe waiting for Quistis’ answer.

            “Oh come off it Rinoa you know it doesn’t matter one way or another to you.” I gave Quistis a pained look. Why was she saying these things? Unmercifully Quistis continued to talk “Just get the hell out of my face!”

            Without another thought towards Quistis I ran to the infirmary with my heart in my throat, if anything happened to Squall…The thought was simply unbearable.

            In entering the infirmary I let out a breathe of relief, there Squall was leaning over a bed, he was alright. Stepping closer he still hadn’t noticed me, but I did notice who was in the bed…it was Zell. I gasped causing Squall to turn around towards me. I thought Quistis looked lost, angry and sad, but Squall looked all those things ten times over.

            “Squall,” I cried but he turned away from me “Squall,” I repeated on the verge of tears.

            “What are you doing here Rinoa?” Squall asked all the tenderness that usually filled his voice was gone.

            “Squall, I had to see you,”

            “Me…? Me…?” My words seemed to bring him to a form of hysteria “Look at Zell!” he demanded “I don’t matter.”

            “But you do Squall that’s the whole point.” I ran over to him kneeling down “Squall I came here to tell you I need you. I can’t keep going anymore without you.” I looked hopefully up at his grayish blue eyes.

            “Don’t be ridiculous Rinoa,” was all Squall said. His words made my heart clench.

            “Ridiculous? How can you say our love is Ridiculous?” I cried appalled. Squall stood there silently looking at Zell.

            “Well say something dammit!” I cried once again not able to take his silence any longer.

            Squall looking directly at me says “The most ridiculous thing that you ever said was calling what we had love. How can love bring so much pain?”

            I couldn’t believe what he was saying. “You can’t mean that?” I asked tears where starting to roll down my cheeks, but I didn’t care. Squall merely stood there.

            “Squall,” I begged, now almost drowning in my own tears.

            “Rinoa, I think you better go.”

            “I guess I should!” I cried storming out of the infirmary. I ran and ran after that. I ran from Squall, I ran from the garden and I ran from the pain. I ran to Seifer.

What We Let Pass By

Ch. 6

Triumphs of Love, Friendship and Courage

          Balambs attack was strong, but I hung on and Galbadia pulled through and maybe even with the extra bonus of killing chicken-wuss. Although we made it through Balambs first wave I worried about their second. Squall lost Rinoa to me and could very well have lost Zell as well. That type of hurt could lead a man to do some unbelievable things.

            All of that was of course a concern, but not one I was going to worry about at the moment. I was excited to go home to my prize, Rinoa.

            Upon arriving at the palace I was told that Rinoa had stepped out a couple of days ago. At the news I exploded throwing a chair clear across the room and watching it shatter into pieces.

            “That whore!” I shouted hearing it echo throughout the place.

            In our bedroom I waited until she returned later that night. She was balling and I felt exactly no sympathy for her tears. I was surprised, however, at how pleased she was to see me. She flung her arms around me, not easily persuaded by a hug I pushed her off. She stumbled back a few steps, but it didn’t stop the pleasant look that was on her face. The look she had reminded me of all the good times we had. Shaking the memories away I rebuilt the anger I had for her and yelled.

            “So where the hell were ya!?” It was a rhetorical question.

            “Visiting someone,” she answered not meeting my eyes.

            “Visiting Squall!?”

            “Yes, I was.” The way that she so simply admitted to it made my temple flare.

            “You whore!” I shouted outraged. Rinoa stood there not reacting to my claim. “What do you have to say whore?” I stared at her as I awaited her answer.

            “Well,” she started “I don’t think its kind to be calling your future wife such names to start.”

            I looked at Rinoa hard. Did she mean what I thought she meant? I asked her “So you want to be my wife again?” to my surprise she nodded.

            “Why are we waiting?” She asked me. What she said next almost knocked my socks off “I think we should get married as soon as possible.” Astonished I just looked at her, when I was finally able to collect myself I asked.

            “Do you really want to?” She hesitated when answering.

            “…yes…” I choose to ignore her hesitation. This was great, presidency here I came! Grabbing Rinoa’s hand I asked her.

            “How does tomorrow sound?”

                        *                      *                      *                      *                      *

            We all sat around him watching his chest move slowly up and down. At the moment I was feeling the effects in my heart for being as harsh as I was to Rinoa, but the way I saw it if she would had never came back into my life none of this would have happened. My heart wouldn’t be crushed; we wouldn’t have had two battles with Galbadia where hundreds of SeeDs died and Zell… I clenched my fist and banged it against the infirmary wall, something that Zell was very prone to doing. Quistis, Selphie and Irvine all looked up at me worried. Quistis gently puts her hand on my arm and asked.

            “Squall what is it?”

            I looked around the room starting to feel dizzy from it all. Focusing I told everyone “I have to get out of here.”

            “Squall,” Quistis pleaded still with her hand on his arm. Shaking it off I went to the door and with my eyes focused on Zell I told them.

            “I’ll be back.”

            I took one of Balamb’s airships to Esthar. When arriving I went directly to Laguna’s office. I didn’t know why that’s where I went; I didn’t feel like getting any father guidance. Nevertheless, that’s where I went. I walked right pass his secretary and directly into his office. I caught Laguna reading the paper this time the headline was “Spontaneous Wedding.” When Laguna finally noticed my entrance he threw the paper behind him.

            “Sq…Squall.” He stammered surprised. “What are you doing here?”

            Not answering his question I asked my own “When is it?”

            “Tomorrow,” he breathed out heavily.

            “Really,” was all I could respond.

            “Squall, I know how”- I interrupted.

            “Please don’t Laguna,” I said collapsing into the chair. I felt a tear run down my cheek; I quickly brushed it away before Laguna could see. I couldn’t believe I was going to loose her again. I know I pushed her away, but when I did it I didn’t think I was pushing her away forever.

            Laguna who was giving me a moment to gather myself finally spoke.

            “It’s tough kid.” It’s tough kid? I thought to myself what the hell would he know?  Without saying anything I continued to listen to Laguna talk. “Love comes in and out of our lives so cruelly it makes you want to give it up entirely, but of all people you know that you can’t do that.” Why not I thought, where has love ever gotten me?

            “Regardless of the love that is sometimes so hard to grasp you have to realize that it is always there,” I looked up at the man that was my father “You know you have great friends that love you, you have Ellone and you have me.” His voice fades off, but his point remained there.

            “I know you loved this girl and Shiva knows how things are going to turn out, but Squall please don’t give up on love, friendship and courage. You’ll only be miserable if you do.”

            I don’t know what was becoming of me, but actually appreciated the advice that Laguna was giving me. I stood up and shook his hand. Laguna gave my hand a couple of good shakes then turned it into one great big hug. Patting each other on the back we separated.

            “You should really see Ellone while you’re here,” where Laguna’s last remarks as I left the room, I nodded and shut the door behind me.

            I went to Ellone’s room still miserable, but a bit less pessimistic which in my opinion was a start. I knocked on Ellone’s door from inside I heard someone call “Come in.” Obediently I opened the door and walked in and once I was in I almost fell over in shock.

                        *                      *                      *                      *                      *

            Squall had left and with his dismissal there was a feeling left in me. It was the same feeling that I had three years ago, it was the feeling of Squall not coming back. I had already dealt with it once I didn’t know if I could deal with it again.

            The three of them remained on Zell’s side that night without much hope. We stayed with him through the night and into the next morning.

            When Selphie and Irvine went to get some breakfast the next morning I stayed with Zell. Alone with Zell I didn’t know what to do, so I decided to talk to him.

            “You know Zell you’re the only one who’s stayed with me throughout the years.” I felt a tear coming, but I wiped it away before it rolled down my cheek. “So you can’t leave me okay. I don’t know what I do without you.” The room was silent until I heard a light moan come from Zell. In a hoarse gasp of a whisper he says to me.

            “Alright.”

            I leaped into the air with joy. “Zell your awake! I can’t believe it!” Zell gives me a weak smile. “How are you feeling?” I asked.

            “Okay,” he managed to say. We were smiling at each other came when Selphie and Irvine came back into the room screaming.

            “You’re not going to believe it Quistis!” Irvine exclaimed holding up a newspaper, he dropped the paper when he saw Zell.

            “Zell, you’re awake!” Selphie said running to his bedside with just as excited Irvine following. We where all beaming down at Zell, but he seemed to be calculating something in his head. A little later he asked.

            “Where’s Squall?”

            We all uncomfortably turned to each other. Hesitantly I told Zell “H